Blah

Today has been a total day of downers. It started OK, talking over last nights bad beats at the poker tourney/tables. It was fun to talk strategy and how we played our hands. But then.....THEN came the email from A.

I made the bad decision to send her an email that I thought was totally nuts. I had to reformat the hard-drive on the old mac and was moving some stuff around and found her first email to me. It was on July 24, 2006. She broke up with me on the very same day, July 24, 2008. I thought is was totally crazy. Maybe it was her two year experiment in lesbianism as she tends to hop back and forth over the line of sexual identity...maybe it was just kismet that I should give my heart to a person who couldn't decide if she was gay/straight/bisexual. At any rate, extraordinarily fucked up either way.

I guess, that's really just the pot calling the kettle black. I'm the dumb fuck who feels this deep desire to have any sort of relationship with her, at any cost to my heart, sanity or anything else. Extraordinarily fucked up, huh?

So, I ended up taking a long drive to cry it all out. Sat out at the airport watching the planes take off, trying to will myself on board. I just wanted to drive away. Anywhere. To leave it all behind. My beloved electronics, my beloved dog and cat, my family, my friends - all of it. I can't take it. I am dreading Thanksgiving as I rue spending the day with my "family"...you know, the people you see twice a year. They ask you questions, as though they are interested. You listen to their dumb fucking stories about soccer and basketball as though you are interested..when really, all you want is to down a bottle of wine and a handful of vicodan to put you and them out of your misery.

The hardest part of this kind of day is the incredible pain I feel inside is getting unbearable. UNBEARABLE. Most nights I pray to fucking whatever that won't wake up. That the next day ends in a car crash with lots of internal bleeding. I'm such a chickenshit, I can't even do it myself. Just pray like a pussy for it to be done. To stop the fucking insanity. To finally end the failure of my life. To not wake up every day to the reality of how I've wrecked my life and ended up to be everything that I desperately didn't want to be - broke, alone and empty like a hollow bunny rabbit.

OK, so it's all a bit dramatic and fatalistic but dammit. It's all so painful. It seems like all the family that has mattered is gone. Via my own demons and misbehavior.