Dammit

You know, it's amazing how fast things change in your head. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I am still reconnecting with folks that I haven't spent time with in a very long time. It's good. The musician, the hairstylist and the techie are all folks who I have missed...some much longer than others.

Today was a therapy day which always leaves me a little messed up. Today the therapist wanted to talk about my dead mother. I kind of feel like it's beating a dead horse, but she feels like there are parallels between my current situation and then. I feel it too, but it seems more about the emotion of all these things rather than the typical situation. Therapist mentioned that I seemed to deflect this request quite well.

She asked me to do the "if your mother was sitting right there, in that chair...what would you say?" I guess she has been so far out of my reality that I don't even know what I would say at this time beyond I miss you and I love you and I'm sorry that you suffered the way you did. I'd probably bitch about my dad. I've never cared for him that much, quite honestly. I think I've mentioned before that I all I wanted to do as a kid was spend time with her.

I did admit today that I never seemed to meet her standards and she was quite a disciplinarian. Boy, she had a backhand that wouldn't quit. Spankings...YIKES! I'm sure that there are some correlations between A's dumping me and the feelings of failure that I've tried to fight all my life. The failure of this most special and important relationship, my failure to love, honor and cherish A in a way that she deserved, my career failure, my financial failure, my health failures. The list goes on and on. I guess in some ways I am a failure, for sure..but some are just flat out overblown in my own mind.

Trying to get past all of this stuff and change my thinking is the hardest part of my daily life. To ruminate on the past only ruins my future. I need to learn to take what I can from the past, learn from it and move forward. Taking this advice would most helpful with A. It's hard not to look back on the feelings we shared at the beginning of our relationship. It was the most amazing thing in the world, the most amazing feeling I have ever had. The openness of our sharing, the ability we shared to talk about our feelings and to let each other know when difficulties were coming up. It was so amazing. Sometimes I just sit and let those feelings wash over me.

Our mistake was to not be able to balance those feelings for each other with our individual lives. We became too enmeshed. It's never a good thing. I didn't care for a couple of her friends, she didn't care for a number of mine. It's understandable...BUT, instead of continuing those relationships singularly, we both sort of dropped them altogether. As soon as things started to get rough she ran back to them. I, of course, was the bad guy much in the same way that she was the bad guy in my world. I have no idea what her friends may have said about the situation, but I sure as fuck didn't let my people poison my mind about her or her lack of warmth to them. In the end, it wasn't about them and her or whatever. It was about me and her.

My goals over the next two weeks are to let her slip from mind. To keep her out. To leave her alone. To work on looking forward, looking at my future and all it holds. Without her. I will go on. Maybe paired up again, maybe not. I don't plan on making any quick moves in that area. I need to focus on me. I need to rebuild my life feeling the gratitude for what I do have at this time. To focus my thoughts on those things that I wish for. To stop hating myself for the mistakes I've made, but learn from them and move on.

I do hope that as I put my life back together that she and I will cross paths. That she will be able to see I was all I professed to be and not the abusive cunt that she thinks I am right now. Mostly, I hope that she will be able to forgive me at some point. And maybe even approve of me and be as proud of me as I was of her for all of the amazing things she has done in her life....like putting up with me.