Why does everything have to remind a person about the past? Every song, every day, there is always something that brings it up. When did the memories become so damn clear? For the last 20 years I haven't been able to remember anything....ANYTHING! Why is my memory all of the sudden clicking in?????
Jeez.
Catching Up
Wow, it's been a whole week since my last post. Lots of stuff going on. Hooking up with old friends. Trying to find my way through the emotional and spiritual abyss. Overall, I think things are going OK.
I have continued to read about all the topics at hand. I feel like everyday the inner me handles things much better. I wonder if at some point I will have an overall feeling of calm serenity...not like a nut, but in relation to handling all that life can toss at you. Now, I have days where I can shrug stuff off but there are still days when I get all wound up and stressed or nervous about this, that or the other thing. To be able to face any difficulty with a sense of calm and to a certain degree, grace, would be an amazing change in my life.
Still on the outs with A. I feel really horrible about haven driven her to the point of no contact with me. Period. She feels like I am stalking her. I'm not quite sure why. Honestly, I do love her, still. I care about her. I wonder about her. I think about the dogs. More and more in a wistful way. Not with such huge and overwhelming sadness, but a bit closer to neutral. Mostly, I just want her to be happy and successful in whatever she does. I don't doubt that she will be successful, I just hope that she remains happy in her life and in her body.
She is going home for the holidays, as usual. I am jealous. Last Christmas was so wonderful. Her family was so kind and generous to me, it felt really great. I am going to miss them. I'll miss the food. I am going to miss shooting skeet, too!
Looking forward I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels good. I guess there are some things I'll never quite understand. Maybe it's better that I don't. I guess that I'll always carry a small portion of regret about the last 12 months. This isn't how I thought things would be. I never thought that she would carry on and move forward so quickly, but I guess it goes to show that you never really know anyone - sometimes even yourself.
The snow today has sort of screwed up my plans for the day as I was to go hiking in Forest Park with some buddies. Now it's snowshoeing around the complex so the pup can get his walks.
I have continued to read about all the topics at hand. I feel like everyday the inner me handles things much better. I wonder if at some point I will have an overall feeling of calm serenity...not like a nut, but in relation to handling all that life can toss at you. Now, I have days where I can shrug stuff off but there are still days when I get all wound up and stressed or nervous about this, that or the other thing. To be able to face any difficulty with a sense of calm and to a certain degree, grace, would be an amazing change in my life.
Still on the outs with A. I feel really horrible about haven driven her to the point of no contact with me. Period. She feels like I am stalking her. I'm not quite sure why. Honestly, I do love her, still. I care about her. I wonder about her. I think about the dogs. More and more in a wistful way. Not with such huge and overwhelming sadness, but a bit closer to neutral. Mostly, I just want her to be happy and successful in whatever she does. I don't doubt that she will be successful, I just hope that she remains happy in her life and in her body.
She is going home for the holidays, as usual. I am jealous. Last Christmas was so wonderful. Her family was so kind and generous to me, it felt really great. I am going to miss them. I'll miss the food. I am going to miss shooting skeet, too!
Looking forward I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels good. I guess there are some things I'll never quite understand. Maybe it's better that I don't. I guess that I'll always carry a small portion of regret about the last 12 months. This isn't how I thought things would be. I never thought that she would carry on and move forward so quickly, but I guess it goes to show that you never really know anyone - sometimes even yourself.
The snow today has sort of screwed up my plans for the day as I was to go hiking in Forest Park with some buddies. Now it's snowshoeing around the complex so the pup can get his walks.
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