Again

So, it seems that I have forsaken the soul searching for my old ways. I've been drinking too much and spending money that I don't have. I let the social in the social life overtake everything that I have been striving to attain.

I've had issues around lack of control with things like alcohol in the past. Like 15 years in the past. Over the last 10 years or so it's been manageable. I guess I've never thought of myself as an alcoholic per se. But I do have a propensity for over-drinking on occasion. Two times in the past month I've drank my dinner when out, which has left me totally fucked up. The first time I butt dialed my parents at like 1am and then most recently, I butt dialed someone that I really don't want any contact with period.

The thing about all of this behavior is that a. it puts those close to me in very uncomfortable positions; b. it makes me look like an asshole; c. it tends to just deepen the so-called hole I'm in.

One would think that I would make some great change to combat this shit..but no. Not me. I feel paralyzed with fear about the whole thing. Instead of listening to myself and my therapist, I did the "no, I'm OK - I've got this under control" thing.

I am noticing that my anger is welling up again as I become more depressed. It is such a fucking struggle every day. I do OK during daylight hours, but in the evening I crash. I'm very tired of not being able to sleep even though I am exhausted. I'm sick of wasting my days with nothing. No structure, at all.

Therapy is tomorrow, so maybe she can help me figure some stuff out.