Digging Out

Today's chore is trying to figure out how to get back into the swing. The swing of finding my real joy and letting the past go. I have therapy, which is a very good thing. But everything feels so dark. Dark, dark, dark thoughts.

The emotional pain I am feeling right now is causing me to want to do something that will make my physical pain greater. It sounds really dumb, but the physical pain is easier to take than the emotional pain. As I was trying to sleep last night, all I could think about were about a million different ways to either hurt myself or off myself. It's not so much about her, as it is about being tired of the hole I'm in.

The lack of structure in my life is making things really hard, I think. Although I suppose if I were a stronger person, I could create my own structure. I guess that's the downside of depression - you can't get it in gear. I was really doing great for a bit - meeting new people, making new friends...I felt really great. But now, as I am going through the backslide -it's clear that there is a definite connection to my openness and to bringing new people into my life.

There are moments when I want my old life back so badly, that I am literally immobilized. I can't focus on anything else. I can only see the greener side of the past. Coupled with only seeing my failures, almost literally by the actual date....Thanksgiving weekend of 2007, December 2007 (the flat tire incident), March (the Powell's fuck-up incident), the May chain of incidents, the July incident...it's all there. Each one worse the previous. The thing is, I know that it really wasn't me. I mean, it was me, but it was me at an uncontrollable point. I underwent a massive change that was very, very bad but I didn't know it. Even thinking about it now, I'm sobbing as I type.

This life is so fucking full of regrets and sense of loss. I'm tired. So tired. My life seems to feel so empty right now that all I can do is look back and see the failures which only serves to bring me down lower. I don't know what to do.