Forever? Really?

So I have done pretty well this week (since therapy) at fighting off the depression. I think having some new projects is helping fill my time and to keep the mind from wandering to dark places. Today has been a bit more difficult.

I am finding that I am becoming angry about certain things regarding the last few months. Most of which, at least to me, feel somewhat justified. My friends have repeatedly tried to get me to see the dark side of A. The fact that she left me at a time when a partner might have stuck by to see you through. This isn't to say that she is a terrible person or anything of that nature, it just speaks more to the actual level of her commitment or ability as a partner. Or even, just her love for me and the true depth of said love.

Mostly, I guess I feel angry for allowing myself to believe - I mean really believe - that this one was forever. I suppose that in some ways, that feeling of forever was scary to me. It was reassuring in other ways. What does forever mean? Is forever until it starts to get hard? Is forever until the pheromones wear off? Is forever until you decide to change your hair color? Who the hell really knows.

It amazed me how quickly she managed to recover from the relationship. Already engaged in a new one. Starting a mere six and half months after our break-up. I wonder if it's an illustration of the reality of our commitment or just that she needs to be in a relationship.

Reading through this post, I realize that I am actually spending too much time worrying about her motives through the whole thing rather than trying to deal with my stuff. It's hard. I get that I drove her away through a variety of actions, that things got tough. For some reason, my mind is telling me that I need answers, but also that I need her forgiveness. I doubt this will ever happen, but there is this constant burn inside that is yearning to prove that she was wrong about me. That my actions were not based on my personality or innate behavior but due to the meds and other stress around me last spring.

Today's affirmation:

I accept the presence of love. I affirm peace and deny confusion. I affirm joy and declare that sadness has no place in my consciousness. I affirm that the Universe is over all, in all and through all. there is nothing in my past that can limit me or limit my future.