Missing Pittsburg

Yeah, I know there is a missing "h" up there in the title. It's a personal thing. If you know what it means, you know-if not, sorry!

Had to go on a trip out of town this weekend. Very short time-wise, very long mile-wise (6 hour drive), but very worth it. A friend/colleague passed away this past week. She died after battling breast cancer for 10 years. V was an amazing woman. So positive, even through the cancer. Never considered dying an option. Still worked with clients until about her last three months. She was woman who knew what she wanted out of life, knew the kind of life she wanted for her family and made it so. At the service, it was quite clear that I was not the only person who felt this way. She touched many lives. She will be greatly missed but I know that she is somewhere out there in one form or another watching us and creating some amazing energy.

This event has given me a long pause for thought. I've gone through periods where I think I have done the things that I wanted to do. I think the biggest portion of that time was with A. It reinforces that feeling deep inside that I got lost by the daily grind rather than reveling in a life with a woman that I love deeply. Forgetting the small things, and letting the small things that appeared to be trouble become huge obstacles. I stopped looking at things the way I knew was right. I let my anxiety and depression drown me along with her and our life. It brings huge tears to my eyes to look at the words I've written.

Forgiveness is tough. I need to forgive myself for being a fuck-up. I need to let go of that relationship. To look toward my future, with affirming thoughts and visualizing what I want. I need to live each day to the fullest...doing what I want to do. She is in the past, now. In a place where I desperately want to be so that I may undo what has occurred.

While on this trip, I kept thinking about her and how fun it would have been for her to have been by my side as opposed to B. I wanted to see a part of Oregon that I had never seen, with her. Plus, I can't think of anyone I would rather spend 12 hours driving with than her. And she's a great co-pilot!

You know, I don't know if she reads this or checks in periodically. I doubt it as she seems/sounds very secure in the now and has no warm feelings whatsoever. But if you do, I am sorry. I miss you and I love you. So. Fucking. Much.