Monday Is The First Day Of The Week

Monday is the first day of the week. I sometimes have to remind myself. With no job, it kind of feels like endless days. For whatever reason, another dip down. Probably because another "final thing" popped up today. Woke up to emails regarding A's website. The payment didn't go through. I'm guessing that her credit is all used up by purchasing tickets to visit her new love. Yes, she loves her. Don't think the L word has been dropped, but I suspect it will only be another couple of weeks based on the experience I had with her.

There doesn't seem to be a way to keep the heartache away. I'm so damn drawn to the dark side of life. I miss the light. It's like I had the light for quite while, lost it and now can't get it back. I feel like I need some kind of shake-up, but at the same time don't feel like I can take it. I tried to walk the dog around the opposite way from the typical and I almost lost my mind. I don't know what I am going to do. I'm getting to the point where I can't take any of it. I just can't shake the feeling of "how did this become my life?!?" or "how the fuck did I get here?".

Next Wednesday is the one year anniversary of a defining moment in our relationship. The night she called me a fuck-up, the night that an old friend also told my co-worker that something was seriously wrong with me. It was the night I told her I needed to decide if I was going to leave, that no one - ever - in my life had called me a fuck-up. No matter how fucked up I was. It was the night she begged me to stay, crying, begged me to stay. Asked me to come to bed and made love to me with a passion we hadn't shared in a couple of months. I remember it so clearly, like it was yesterday. Boy, it was a really fucked up time. Looking back I can see how my life was like a plane in a death spiral, going down, down, down. I guess I didn't realize how far down I could go.

I just miss you. Plain and simple. I miss all of you - the good, the bad, the person who is recovering from an eating disorder, the person who has survived rape and sexual abuse as a child, the person who is so beautiful it takes my breath away, the person who showered me in love and affection like I have never felt. The person to whom I opened my heart to - fully & completely. I still love you. So. Fucking. Much.