Sunspots

Today I had therapy. It was good. I love my therapist, she is really great. Has a wonderful way of pushing and pulling things out of my emotional self. Is very good at helping me get past the outer anger and reaching into the soft, mushy part that gets hurt.

This morning I received an email from a friend. I know that the intention was pretty much opposite of it's effect. He took a tone of "we" regarding his thoughts. Sort of speaking for my friends and how "concerned" they are about my attitude. I appreciate his efforts very much, but the tone of the email pretty much helped me to pull out the shovel and dig down a little bit more. Of course I was pissed as he is probably the last person I need to hear from regarding any sort of attitude issue. It's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black.

I guess the net/net is that now, I have pretty much pushed away the small, but close group of friends that I have. The friends that have known me mostly as an adult for the last seven or eight years. As I type this, I almost have no emotional feeling about it. In fact, I almost feel business-like about my suicidal ideation.

Not sure what to do. I've called a local mental health program to see if it might be possible to try yet another type of anti-depressant, but am afraid that it will be another miserable failure. Ending up in the same place as I was last Spring. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't sound so bad.

I'm going for a walk now with my best friend, SHP.