Forever? Really?

So I have done pretty well this week (since therapy) at fighting off the depression. I think having some new projects is helping fill my time and to keep the mind from wandering to dark places. Today has been a bit more difficult.

I am finding that I am becoming angry about certain things regarding the last few months. Most of which, at least to me, feel somewhat justified. My friends have repeatedly tried to get me to see the dark side of A. The fact that she left me at a time when a partner might have stuck by to see you through. This isn't to say that she is a terrible person or anything of that nature, it just speaks more to the actual level of her commitment or ability as a partner. Or even, just her love for me and the true depth of said love.

Mostly, I guess I feel angry for allowing myself to believe - I mean really believe - that this one was forever. I suppose that in some ways, that feeling of forever was scary to me. It was reassuring in other ways. What does forever mean? Is forever until it starts to get hard? Is forever until the pheromones wear off? Is forever until you decide to change your hair color? Who the hell really knows.

It amazed me how quickly she managed to recover from the relationship. Already engaged in a new one. Starting a mere six and half months after our break-up. I wonder if it's an illustration of the reality of our commitment or just that she needs to be in a relationship.

Reading through this post, I realize that I am actually spending too much time worrying about her motives through the whole thing rather than trying to deal with my stuff. It's hard. I get that I drove her away through a variety of actions, that things got tough. For some reason, my mind is telling me that I need answers, but also that I need her forgiveness. I doubt this will ever happen, but there is this constant burn inside that is yearning to prove that she was wrong about me. That my actions were not based on my personality or innate behavior but due to the meds and other stress around me last spring.

Today's affirmation:

I accept the presence of love. I affirm peace and deny confusion. I affirm joy and declare that sadness has no place in my consciousness. I affirm that the Universe is over all, in all and through all. there is nothing in my past that can limit me or limit my future.

Starting Over

So I haven't said much about A recently. I've been trying to focus on better things in my life. Today, though, after emailing her about some housecleaning leftovers from the past, she told me she has started a new relationship.

I think it's amazing how little something really means in the end. In a mere 8 months, she is already off to the next victim. I hope that her new girlfriend understands the things that lurk below the beautiful surface that is A. As much as she likes to display the "on the ball therapist" personality, there are things that she has not really come to terms with . As much as I haven't.

Hopefully she will be happy in her new love. I, on the other hand, have taken yet another dive downward. It's amazing how deep the hole really goes. As much I feel like I have been doing the work I need to do, this is one that just won't settle. It's frustrating and hurts like hell. I am very tired of feeling this stuff. The depression, the sorrow, the anguish - all the emotions that I didn't feel for so damn long just won't go away.

Missing her is the hardest part. The little things, the way she used to look at me, the way that she was encouraging and supportive, how it felt to be wrapped in her love, to just know that someone really did love me for me. Unfortunately, she thinks I really am the fucked up person that she broke up with and that I am not the person she initially fell in love with. That is what hurts the most, and seems to be the hardest part to reconcile within me. That I fucked up so severely. The regrets are huge. Huge giant hurdles that are killing me.

I just want my fucking life back. Where anything was possible, where the outlook was typically optimistic, I want to be taken in her arms and soothed. I just want to be told it's all going to be ok, not just ok but amazing.....like it was.

Good god

You know, it's amazing how you have history with people. You spend a couple of years of your life together. You know things. You break up. And suddenly, there is this wall. The boundary. The boundaries. It's so strange how you aren't supposed to know anything or ask anything about anything or anyone.

How is that fucking possible? Seriously. Am I the one that's fucked up because I am still interested and care about her? Or is she the one who is fucked up as exhibited by the fact that she can so easily eviscerate you from her mind, heart and life as though you never existed?

I think it's an issue that may cause the therapist to have to work double time to pay for her own therapy if she is to ever find the "love" that she is looking for out there. Clearly no one is smart enough, cool enough or into neat enough things.

PS - To quote your favorite songwriter, I'm learning how to live without your love (or your loathing)

The Bounce

Last night I did some deep thinking and a bit of meditation. I realized that I am sitting and doing things that are not very healthy for me at this time. Yes, doing the reading and practicing certain things is good for me, but sitting on my large ass the majority of the time is not. I realized that my life had/has come to a point where I haven't done anything. Sitting around moping, ruminating on everything isn't helping.

I've started on the spirituality work. Haven't done anything with the body or mind, for that matter. I also realized that as I have grown older, I have lost my curiosity about the world and become jaded. No sense of adventure, no ability to just take off and do something like a day trip or weekend trip. It all became about the money or lack there of. I sort of felt this way when I went to Bend to see Lucinda. It was invigorating, the drive the loud music, the beauty that is our state...only at that point I was longing for A to be with me rather than savoring the moment at hand.

Today, is the first day of the rest of my life. I shall continue my work with the therapist, but really work to be open to new things and people. Ultimately, getting wrapped up in the drama of work, being strapped to my computer has made me a very fat, lazy and boring person. Ultimately, I think that's what lead me to my downward spiral and depression. Not doing anything really proactive to offset those feelings but instead delving into a virtual world of dumb games and laziness.

So, I worked out in the gym. Ate a good lunch and am going to play poker at my weekly game tonight. Next week, I am going to do gay things to try to meet new people. Not find a date, but at least get some new blood into my life.

I want to start fishing again, to go see all the things around Oregon that make me love it. Fuck, if I miss the beach - why don't I just drive there? I have let everything in my life get too fucking complicated. When really, the simplest things can sometimes be the most amazing.

I owe a debt of thanks to A. I think that if she hadn't made her wonderful announcement on Wednesday, it wouldn't have pushed me to start thinking about me and why she thinks I suck. Now that she has her dapper bon vivant, she definitely doesn't need me! I hope that they enjoy themselves. Hell, I met her and she fell in love with me, there's no reason that I can't get my shit together, make a connection with someone who might love me even more & not give up.

*****For anyone who may have read this post prior to editing. I apologize. That last sentence was totally uncalled for, rude and all-around cruel. I let my hurt get the best of me. Honestly, I doubt that either of the edited comments are possible.

Family

As I sit here and listen to music, trying to chill out before hanging out with my "family" I'm driven to think about the family that I've lost.

Last year what was my future brother-in-law came to visit and we met face-to-face for the first time. It was so great to meet him, but I fucked it all up by being asshole. This was the beginning of the end of what I thought was going to be my forever family. A family of my own.

Maybe that's what scared me and drove me to my actions, along with the drugs. It's something that I've wanted for so long. Not in the "I need to be in a relationship" way, but more in the way of feeling loved, needed and wanted. In the way of having my own kingdom that I was creating with my girl. Our dogs, the cat and us. Our own world. I guess I wasn't really ready for that world. Something inside me had to push and push and push until all shattered. Into a million little pieces that are never to be put together again, ever.

The "real" family is not something that I feel a part of in any way, shape or form. I only see the "siblings" twice a year or so. Forced to exchange gifts at Christmas. It's all about obligation, not love or the joy of seeing one another. Growing up wasn't easy with my step family. I was an only child prior to my father's remarriage. He met his wife via me as her daughter was one of my best friends. He also married her about 13 months after my mother died.

All of this served to make me feel quite alone. There is a real shift once a friend becomes a "sister". You'd think that it would be awesome, but it's not really. I guess that between the combination of Dad getting married and my inability to cope with life without my real mother led to what was only the beginning of some issues around relationships and family in general.

This is where the yearning comes from. To want to feel like I belong to a family. To be a part of a family. I thought that was where I was at with A. Especially as when she proposed, she brought our whole family along.

Now, she is seeing someone else. She was kind enough to let me know via email last night. She met a Southerner like herself, a real hip smarty pants. I really do hope that she is happy and continues to be happy. My biggest regret is not being the person that I led her to believe I was.

All of this stuff, at this time of the year only serves to push me further down in my deep dark hole. My inside hurts so bad, that I am having those urges to do something that hurts my physical being. It's fucking stupid, but sometimes the physical pain is easier to take than the emotional pain.

Long Time No Post

Wow, it sure has been a long time since my last post. Life has been full of ups and downs. All kinds of ups and downs.

Work is definitely down. The economy and elections have not been good to the business. We are holding our breath until after the big day, hoping that once things are more or less settled folks will start buying again.

Mentally, I'm definitely having down time. I've had to lay off therapy for a couple of weeks because of the bankruptcy. All my money has gone to the counseling and attorney. It really sucks to be in this spot. Luckily, I played in a poker tourney a week or so ago and won $600. Of course, it went to all the bills I've been holding off on. It was really fun to play and win. If only I could play every week and win $600 every week.

I am still having the hardest time with the break up. My mind continually floats back to all the things I did that brought us to destruction. I can't seem to control my urges to call/email her so the wall of ice is higher and thicker than ever. It's so done that she finally posted for her next victim on Craigslist. It broke my heart to see it, but I guess my heart didn't know it was really over. The proof was something that sent me on a new downward spiral.

How do you say all the things, do all the the things, make all the things that she did but yet just skip along as though our relationship was nothing? It kills. I mean it kills...I have been crying and crying and crying. The emotional pain of it really is pain. It feels like when my mom died. This feeling of someone being there but you can't touch or have them back, ever. When it's like the only thing you want. And then come the feelings of wanting to hurt yourself in a different way to make the pain in your heart go away. In the end, it all goes back to me and my inability to deal with life or relationships.

Over an email exchange this last week she told me that I was was verbally/emotionally abusive for the last year of our relationship. This is a bit of an exaggeration as she proposed to me about 13 months ago and consider how "in touch" she is with her feelings - I doubt this would have been her next step. It's interesting how I'm the one that is so fucked up..but yet she is the one who is out there trolling around looking for the next ONE. This accusation made me really look deeply at my anger issues. In the process of digging around in there, I found that I have turned into the one person that I never wanted to be like. Well, actually, two people that I never wanted to be like. My father and my maternal grandfather.

My dad isn't really an asshole or anything, he just is a mess. Drinks too much, is codependent and is VERY angry. Sort of like he has Tourette's Syndrome. Quick flashes of anger followed by long dark sulking/sullen moods. The grandfather? He was just a plain bastard. Meaner than hell, physically abusive with my grandmother and mean to his daughters. I don't even know what his deal was as he died in the late 80's but I do know that he was a real mother fucker...and crazy, too.

I am grown up and I now I act like they did. I scare people. I put people off. She even told me that I needed to get into an Anger Management class, which, in my infinite wisdom decided that I didn't need to do. At this point, I need to focus on the present and make each moment in my life count. I need to act thoughtfully, not impulsively. By changing these sorts things, I believe that I can be the best me. Living with the regret around not being able to walk my talk sucks.

There has never been a point in my life when I wanted a do-over more than I do now. I would give anything to have another chance at this particular relationship. It feels like the only one that was worth a shit. The only one where I had that feeling of bliss, of openness, where I could talk about anything. The relationship in which I wanted to do anything to protect it, to shield it from my demons, from society's demons. I wanted our life to be the salvation from all the ugly in the world. The relationship in which I could be the best me ever..with a person who wanted the same and to grow in a way, together, that I had only dreamed about.

She is the most beautiful woman. So smart, so sweet, so amazingly creative. I couldn't have made her up in my mind if I would have tried. Great taste in music. Sexy, sassy, political. Kind. Simply perfection. God damn it. I fucked up so bad.

The upside to all of this? Yes, there is an upside. It really is helping me to see me for what I am. That scared teenager who feels abandoned. Who is afraid of losing people. So scared, that I make it happen. Something inside me pushes me to this crazy behavior. Believes that it's going to happen, so why wait? At least I'll be in control. What a fuck-up. BUT, I am doing a so-called inward dive to tear it apart and hopefully put it back together.

I am reading voraciously. All kinds of books that are based in spirituality and doing the exercises in each..very slowly. Perhaps at some point, down the road, we will meet again and I will be the person I professed to be and she will have me again.