Today I had therapy. It was good. I love my therapist, she is really great. Has a wonderful way of pushing and pulling things out of my emotional self. Is very good at helping me get past the outer anger and reaching into the soft, mushy part that gets hurt.
This morning I received an email from a friend. I know that the intention was pretty much opposite of it's effect. He took a tone of "we" regarding his thoughts. Sort of speaking for my friends and how "concerned" they are about my attitude. I appreciate his efforts very much, but the tone of the email pretty much helped me to pull out the shovel and dig down a little bit more. Of course I was pissed as he is probably the last person I need to hear from regarding any sort of attitude issue. It's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black.
I guess the net/net is that now, I have pretty much pushed away the small, but close group of friends that I have. The friends that have known me mostly as an adult for the last seven or eight years. As I type this, I almost have no emotional feeling about it. In fact, I almost feel business-like about my suicidal ideation.
Not sure what to do. I've called a local mental health program to see if it might be possible to try yet another type of anti-depressant, but am afraid that it will be another miserable failure. Ending up in the same place as I was last Spring. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't sound so bad.
I'm going for a walk now with my best friend, SHP.
Showing newest posts with label therapy. Show older posts
Showing newest posts with label therapy. Show older posts
Digging Out
Today's chore is trying to figure out how to get back into the swing. The swing of finding my real joy and letting the past go. I have therapy, which is a very good thing. But everything feels so dark. Dark, dark, dark thoughts.
The emotional pain I am feeling right now is causing me to want to do something that will make my physical pain greater. It sounds really dumb, but the physical pain is easier to take than the emotional pain. As I was trying to sleep last night, all I could think about were about a million different ways to either hurt myself or off myself. It's not so much about her, as it is about being tired of the hole I'm in.
The lack of structure in my life is making things really hard, I think. Although I suppose if I were a stronger person, I could create my own structure. I guess that's the downside of depression - you can't get it in gear. I was really doing great for a bit - meeting new people, making new friends...I felt really great. But now, as I am going through the backslide -it's clear that there is a definite connection to my openness and to bringing new people into my life.
There are moments when I want my old life back so badly, that I am literally immobilized. I can't focus on anything else. I can only see the greener side of the past. Coupled with only seeing my failures, almost literally by the actual date....Thanksgiving weekend of 2007, December 2007 (the flat tire incident), March (the Powell's fuck-up incident), the May chain of incidents, the July incident...it's all there. Each one worse the previous. The thing is, I know that it really wasn't me. I mean, it was me, but it was me at an uncontrollable point. I underwent a massive change that was very, very bad but I didn't know it. Even thinking about it now, I'm sobbing as I type.
This life is so fucking full of regrets and sense of loss. I'm tired. So tired. My life seems to feel so empty right now that all I can do is look back and see the failures which only serves to bring me down lower. I don't know what to do.
The emotional pain I am feeling right now is causing me to want to do something that will make my physical pain greater. It sounds really dumb, but the physical pain is easier to take than the emotional pain. As I was trying to sleep last night, all I could think about were about a million different ways to either hurt myself or off myself. It's not so much about her, as it is about being tired of the hole I'm in.
The lack of structure in my life is making things really hard, I think. Although I suppose if I were a stronger person, I could create my own structure. I guess that's the downside of depression - you can't get it in gear. I was really doing great for a bit - meeting new people, making new friends...I felt really great. But now, as I am going through the backslide -it's clear that there is a definite connection to my openness and to bringing new people into my life.
There are moments when I want my old life back so badly, that I am literally immobilized. I can't focus on anything else. I can only see the greener side of the past. Coupled with only seeing my failures, almost literally by the actual date....Thanksgiving weekend of 2007, December 2007 (the flat tire incident), March (the Powell's fuck-up incident), the May chain of incidents, the July incident...it's all there. Each one worse the previous. The thing is, I know that it really wasn't me. I mean, it was me, but it was me at an uncontrollable point. I underwent a massive change that was very, very bad but I didn't know it. Even thinking about it now, I'm sobbing as I type.
This life is so fucking full of regrets and sense of loss. I'm tired. So tired. My life seems to feel so empty right now that all I can do is look back and see the failures which only serves to bring me down lower. I don't know what to do.
20 Days
The last 20 days have been full of new things and people. As a part of the New Year, I have tried to open myself up to new people along with new habits. I've been hiking, coffeeing, lunching and more. It's been very good for my soul.
Two of my newer friends are in a similar place as myself. Both looking for deeper connections in their lives, trying to create something new for themselves. It has been nice to build friendships based on something beyond cocktails or politics. I hope that we will be friends for many years to come.
Therapy is providing a huge number of breakthroughs. I have continued to look deeply within myself, to see those things that helped me become lost in the first place. Although it is still difficult to spend time completely alone, it is getting easier. I asked my therapist if it was bad that I am spending so much time moving, instead of sitting with myself. She replied that it seems to be a good step forward that I am at least posing this question. I guess it's true. Typically I would just move forward and not consider those steps forward.
My week didn't start off too well as A and I had a spat. It is unfortunate when we communicate as the pain comes immediately to the surface and then pulling me back down into the abyss of depression. Dramatic, yes - but it's really how it feels. I can see all the things I am doing right now that actually push me back instead of forward. Thank god yesterday a friend came by early to get me moving. Today, not so good.
I belong to the world that I live, I love people and am loved by them. I have a deep sense of confidence and trust. I am secure in life and no longer anxious about anything.
Two of my newer friends are in a similar place as myself. Both looking for deeper connections in their lives, trying to create something new for themselves. It has been nice to build friendships based on something beyond cocktails or politics. I hope that we will be friends for many years to come.
Therapy is providing a huge number of breakthroughs. I have continued to look deeply within myself, to see those things that helped me become lost in the first place. Although it is still difficult to spend time completely alone, it is getting easier. I asked my therapist if it was bad that I am spending so much time moving, instead of sitting with myself. She replied that it seems to be a good step forward that I am at least posing this question. I guess it's true. Typically I would just move forward and not consider those steps forward.
My week didn't start off too well as A and I had a spat. It is unfortunate when we communicate as the pain comes immediately to the surface and then pulling me back down into the abyss of depression. Dramatic, yes - but it's really how it feels. I can see all the things I am doing right now that actually push me back instead of forward. Thank god yesterday a friend came by early to get me moving. Today, not so good.
I belong to the world that I live, I love people and am loved by them. I have a deep sense of confidence and trust. I am secure in life and no longer anxious about anything.
Happy New Year
I've been kind of quiet around here. Had a really severe bout of depression. Trapped in the house because of snow, no real reason to leave. It doesn't snow in Portland all that much, so no real gear to get you out and about except to walk the dog.
Christmas was difficult. Remembering last year in Nashville, this one paled in comparison. There is nothing like a Southern Christmas. There is nothing like that good old Southern Hospitality.
Birthday was great. My buddy got together a bunch of pals to go bowling and then on to karaoke. It was super fun. Old friends and new helped me usher in my 43rd year.
New Year's Eve was nice, too. The best part was the therapy session I had. I figured it might be a good way to start out the new year or close out the old one. I came to a number of realizations during this session. The biggest and most striking was that A isn't really what I am missing so much as the optimism and pure joy she helped me to see on an almost daily basis. In our relationship I saw the world through a different lense. I realized that I have that joy inside of me every day. It's a matter of me not letting my normal cynicism overtake the small things that are good. To move beyond being a little rain cloud for everyone around me but mostly to allow myself to appreciate those things.
I have sort of approached this previously in regard to my road trip to see Lucinda just after Labor Day, hiking in the woods,etc. It's up to me to make time for this stuff. To look at ways I can get out and enjoy everything around me. I used to love to sit on the beach and just absorb all the beauty of the ocean or hike in the woods and enjoy it's beauty. To be amazed at all the wonders. I've lost that part of myself. Due to work and various responsibilities. It's dumb. I mean why do you work? To put a roof over your head, food in your stomach and to also have the ability to occupy your non-work hours with things you love.
Here's my affirmation for the week:
My life is abundant with joy. Joy is within me and around me, all the time. The more I allow myself to feel joy, the more joy comes into my life.
Christmas was difficult. Remembering last year in Nashville, this one paled in comparison. There is nothing like a Southern Christmas. There is nothing like that good old Southern Hospitality.
Birthday was great. My buddy got together a bunch of pals to go bowling and then on to karaoke. It was super fun. Old friends and new helped me usher in my 43rd year.
New Year's Eve was nice, too. The best part was the therapy session I had. I figured it might be a good way to start out the new year or close out the old one. I came to a number of realizations during this session. The biggest and most striking was that A isn't really what I am missing so much as the optimism and pure joy she helped me to see on an almost daily basis. In our relationship I saw the world through a different lense. I realized that I have that joy inside of me every day. It's a matter of me not letting my normal cynicism overtake the small things that are good. To move beyond being a little rain cloud for everyone around me but mostly to allow myself to appreciate those things.
I have sort of approached this previously in regard to my road trip to see Lucinda just after Labor Day, hiking in the woods,etc. It's up to me to make time for this stuff. To look at ways I can get out and enjoy everything around me. I used to love to sit on the beach and just absorb all the beauty of the ocean or hike in the woods and enjoy it's beauty. To be amazed at all the wonders. I've lost that part of myself. Due to work and various responsibilities. It's dumb. I mean why do you work? To put a roof over your head, food in your stomach and to also have the ability to occupy your non-work hours with things you love.
Here's my affirmation for the week:
My life is abundant with joy. Joy is within me and around me, all the time. The more I allow myself to feel joy, the more joy comes into my life.
Whoa
So, I broke my new rule. I had contact with A. It was a mess. I don't quite know why I have this burning desire to maintain a relationship with her. She feels like I am still abusive. At this point, my head is such a mess, it's hard to tell.
I need to figure out why I continue. What is driving me to try to earn her "something" again. I don't know if it's love, friendship, forgiveness or what. My therapist and I haven't had much luck around this. The therapist seems to have some sort of inkling about how this ties into my mom's death. I wonder if it is because of what a fuck-up I felt like as a kid and how she left and never forgave me for my issues? Mental health will drive you crazy. Part of me thinks it might be interesting to have a two hour session to see where it goes.
There is so much to say, so many views. So many buttons that have been pushed. She hates me. I hate me. At this point, I feel so rotten about my life and everything it encompasses, I would just as soon put a gun to my head as to move forward. No job, no money, no A, no hope..nothing. At least if I put an end to it, right now, all will be as I have envisioned it to be for my whole life.
A big fucking nothing. Born a loser, always a loser.
I need to figure out why I continue. What is driving me to try to earn her "something" again. I don't know if it's love, friendship, forgiveness or what. My therapist and I haven't had much luck around this. The therapist seems to have some sort of inkling about how this ties into my mom's death. I wonder if it is because of what a fuck-up I felt like as a kid and how she left and never forgave me for my issues? Mental health will drive you crazy. Part of me thinks it might be interesting to have a two hour session to see where it goes.
There is so much to say, so many views. So many buttons that have been pushed. She hates me. I hate me. At this point, I feel so rotten about my life and everything it encompasses, I would just as soon put a gun to my head as to move forward. No job, no money, no A, no hope..nothing. At least if I put an end to it, right now, all will be as I have envisioned it to be for my whole life.
A big fucking nothing. Born a loser, always a loser.
Dammit
You know, it's amazing how fast things change in your head. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I am still reconnecting with folks that I haven't spent time with in a very long time. It's good. The musician, the hairstylist and the techie are all folks who I have missed...some much longer than others.
Today was a therapy day which always leaves me a little messed up. Today the therapist wanted to talk about my dead mother. I kind of feel like it's beating a dead horse, but she feels like there are parallels between my current situation and then. I feel it too, but it seems more about the emotion of all these things rather than the typical situation. Therapist mentioned that I seemed to deflect this request quite well.
She asked me to do the "if your mother was sitting right there, in that chair...what would you say?" I guess she has been so far out of my reality that I don't even know what I would say at this time beyond I miss you and I love you and I'm sorry that you suffered the way you did. I'd probably bitch about my dad. I've never cared for him that much, quite honestly. I think I've mentioned before that I all I wanted to do as a kid was spend time with her.
I did admit today that I never seemed to meet her standards and she was quite a disciplinarian. Boy, she had a backhand that wouldn't quit. Spankings...YIKES! I'm sure that there are some correlations between A's dumping me and the feelings of failure that I've tried to fight all my life. The failure of this most special and important relationship, my failure to love, honor and cherish A in a way that she deserved, my career failure, my financial failure, my health failures. The list goes on and on. I guess in some ways I am a failure, for sure..but some are just flat out overblown in my own mind.
Trying to get past all of this stuff and change my thinking is the hardest part of my daily life. To ruminate on the past only ruins my future. I need to learn to take what I can from the past, learn from it and move forward. Taking this advice would most helpful with A. It's hard not to look back on the feelings we shared at the beginning of our relationship. It was the most amazing thing in the world, the most amazing feeling I have ever had. The openness of our sharing, the ability we shared to talk about our feelings and to let each other know when difficulties were coming up. It was so amazing. Sometimes I just sit and let those feelings wash over me.
Our mistake was to not be able to balance those feelings for each other with our individual lives. We became too enmeshed. It's never a good thing. I didn't care for a couple of her friends, she didn't care for a number of mine. It's understandable...BUT, instead of continuing those relationships singularly, we both sort of dropped them altogether. As soon as things started to get rough she ran back to them. I, of course, was the bad guy much in the same way that she was the bad guy in my world. I have no idea what her friends may have said about the situation, but I sure as fuck didn't let my people poison my mind about her or her lack of warmth to them. In the end, it wasn't about them and her or whatever. It was about me and her.
My goals over the next two weeks are to let her slip from mind. To keep her out. To leave her alone. To work on looking forward, looking at my future and all it holds. Without her. I will go on. Maybe paired up again, maybe not. I don't plan on making any quick moves in that area. I need to focus on me. I need to rebuild my life feeling the gratitude for what I do have at this time. To focus my thoughts on those things that I wish for. To stop hating myself for the mistakes I've made, but learn from them and move on.
I do hope that as I put my life back together that she and I will cross paths. That she will be able to see I was all I professed to be and not the abusive cunt that she thinks I am right now. Mostly, I hope that she will be able to forgive me at some point. And maybe even approve of me and be as proud of me as I was of her for all of the amazing things she has done in her life....like putting up with me.
Today was a therapy day which always leaves me a little messed up. Today the therapist wanted to talk about my dead mother. I kind of feel like it's beating a dead horse, but she feels like there are parallels between my current situation and then. I feel it too, but it seems more about the emotion of all these things rather than the typical situation. Therapist mentioned that I seemed to deflect this request quite well.
She asked me to do the "if your mother was sitting right there, in that chair...what would you say?" I guess she has been so far out of my reality that I don't even know what I would say at this time beyond I miss you and I love you and I'm sorry that you suffered the way you did. I'd probably bitch about my dad. I've never cared for him that much, quite honestly. I think I've mentioned before that I all I wanted to do as a kid was spend time with her.
I did admit today that I never seemed to meet her standards and she was quite a disciplinarian. Boy, she had a backhand that wouldn't quit. Spankings...YIKES! I'm sure that there are some correlations between A's dumping me and the feelings of failure that I've tried to fight all my life. The failure of this most special and important relationship, my failure to love, honor and cherish A in a way that she deserved, my career failure, my financial failure, my health failures. The list goes on and on. I guess in some ways I am a failure, for sure..but some are just flat out overblown in my own mind.
Trying to get past all of this stuff and change my thinking is the hardest part of my daily life. To ruminate on the past only ruins my future. I need to learn to take what I can from the past, learn from it and move forward. Taking this advice would most helpful with A. It's hard not to look back on the feelings we shared at the beginning of our relationship. It was the most amazing thing in the world, the most amazing feeling I have ever had. The openness of our sharing, the ability we shared to talk about our feelings and to let each other know when difficulties were coming up. It was so amazing. Sometimes I just sit and let those feelings wash over me.
Our mistake was to not be able to balance those feelings for each other with our individual lives. We became too enmeshed. It's never a good thing. I didn't care for a couple of her friends, she didn't care for a number of mine. It's understandable...BUT, instead of continuing those relationships singularly, we both sort of dropped them altogether. As soon as things started to get rough she ran back to them. I, of course, was the bad guy much in the same way that she was the bad guy in my world. I have no idea what her friends may have said about the situation, but I sure as fuck didn't let my people poison my mind about her or her lack of warmth to them. In the end, it wasn't about them and her or whatever. It was about me and her.
My goals over the next two weeks are to let her slip from mind. To keep her out. To leave her alone. To work on looking forward, looking at my future and all it holds. Without her. I will go on. Maybe paired up again, maybe not. I don't plan on making any quick moves in that area. I need to focus on me. I need to rebuild my life feeling the gratitude for what I do have at this time. To focus my thoughts on those things that I wish for. To stop hating myself for the mistakes I've made, but learn from them and move on.
I do hope that as I put my life back together that she and I will cross paths. That she will be able to see I was all I professed to be and not the abusive cunt that she thinks I am right now. Mostly, I hope that she will be able to forgive me at some point. And maybe even approve of me and be as proud of me as I was of her for all of the amazing things she has done in her life....like putting up with me.
Long Time No Post
Wow, it sure has been a long time since my last post. Life has been full of ups and downs. All kinds of ups and downs.
Work is definitely down. The economy and elections have not been good to the business. We are holding our breath until after the big day, hoping that once things are more or less settled folks will start buying again.
Mentally, I'm definitely having down time. I've had to lay off therapy for a couple of weeks because of the bankruptcy. All my money has gone to the counseling and attorney. It really sucks to be in this spot. Luckily, I played in a poker tourney a week or so ago and won $600. Of course, it went to all the bills I've been holding off on. It was really fun to play and win. If only I could play every week and win $600 every week.
Work is definitely down. The economy and elections have not been good to the business. We are holding our breath until after the big day, hoping that once things are more or less settled folks will start buying again.
Mentally, I'm definitely having down time. I've had to lay off therapy for a couple of weeks because of the bankruptcy. All my money has gone to the counseling and attorney. It really sucks to be in this spot. Luckily, I played in a poker tourney a week or so ago and won $600. Of course, it went to all the bills I've been holding off on. It was really fun to play and win. If only I could play every week and win $600 every week.
I am still having the hardest time with the break up. My mind continually floats back to all the things I did that brought us to destruction. I can't seem to control my urges to call/email her so the wall of ice is higher and thicker than ever. It's so done that she finally posted for her next victim on Craigslist. It broke my heart to see it, but I guess my heart didn't know it was really over. The proof was something that sent me on a new downward spiral.
How do you say all the things, do all the the things, make all the things that she did but yet just skip along as though our relationship was nothing? It kills. I mean it kills...I have been crying and crying and crying. The emotional pain of it really is pain. It feels like when my mom died. This feeling of someone being there but you can't touch or have them back, ever. When it's like the only thing you want. And then come the feelings of wanting to hurt yourself in a different way to make the pain in your heart go away. In the end, it all goes back to me and my inability to deal with life or relationships.
Over an email exchange this last week she told me that I was was verbally/emotionally abusive for the last year of our relationship. This is a bit of an exaggeration as she proposed to me about 13 months ago and consider how "in touch" she is with her feelings - I doubt this would have been her next step. It's interesting how I'm the one that is so fucked up..but yet she is the one who is out there trolling around looking for the next ONE. This accusation made me really look deeply at my anger issues. In the process of digging around in there, I found that I have turned into the one person that I never wanted to be like. Well, actually, two people that I never wanted to be like. My father and my maternal grandfather.
My dad isn't really an asshole or anything, he just is a mess. Drinks too much, is codependent and is VERY angry. Sort of like he has Tourette's Syndrome. Quick flashes of anger followed by long dark sulking/sullen moods. The grandfather? He was just a plain bastard. Meaner than hell, physically abusive with my grandmother and mean to his daughters. I don't even know what his deal was as he died in the late 80's but I do know that he was a real mother fucker...and crazy, too.
I am grown up and I now I act like they did. I scare people. I put people off. She even told me that I needed to get into an Anger Management class, which, in my infinite wisdom decided that I didn't need to do. At this point, I need to focus on the present and make each moment in my life count. I need to act thoughtfully, not impulsively. By changing these sorts things, I believe that I can be the best me. Living with the regret around not being able to walk my talk sucks.
There has never been a point in my life when I wanted a do-over more than I do now. I would give anything to have another chance at this particular relationship. It feels like the only one that was worth a shit. The only one where I had that feeling of bliss, of openness, where I could talk about anything. The relationship in which I wanted to do anything to protect it, to shield it from my demons, from society's demons. I wanted our life to be the salvation from all the ugly in the world. The relationship in which I could be the best me ever..with a person who wanted the same and to grow in a way, together, that I had only dreamed about.
She is the most beautiful woman. So smart, so sweet, so amazingly creative. I couldn't have made her up in my mind if I would have tried. Great taste in music. Sexy, sassy, political. Kind. Simply perfection. God damn it. I fucked up so bad.
The upside to all of this? Yes, there is an upside. It really is helping me to see me for what I am. That scared teenager who feels abandoned. Who is afraid of losing people. So scared, that I make it happen. Something inside me pushes me to this crazy behavior. Believes that it's going to happen, so why wait? At least I'll be in control. What a fuck-up. BUT, I am doing a so-called inward dive to tear it apart and hopefully put it back together.
I am reading voraciously. All kinds of books that are based in spirituality and doing the exercises in each..very slowly. Perhaps at some point, down the road, we will meet again and I will be the person I professed to be and she will have me again.
How do you say all the things, do all the the things, make all the things that she did but yet just skip along as though our relationship was nothing? It kills. I mean it kills...I have been crying and crying and crying. The emotional pain of it really is pain. It feels like when my mom died. This feeling of someone being there but you can't touch or have them back, ever. When it's like the only thing you want. And then come the feelings of wanting to hurt yourself in a different way to make the pain in your heart go away. In the end, it all goes back to me and my inability to deal with life or relationships.
Over an email exchange this last week she told me that I was was verbally/emotionally abusive for the last year of our relationship. This is a bit of an exaggeration as she proposed to me about 13 months ago and consider how "in touch" she is with her feelings - I doubt this would have been her next step. It's interesting how I'm the one that is so fucked up..but yet she is the one who is out there trolling around looking for the next ONE. This accusation made me really look deeply at my anger issues. In the process of digging around in there, I found that I have turned into the one person that I never wanted to be like. Well, actually, two people that I never wanted to be like. My father and my maternal grandfather.
My dad isn't really an asshole or anything, he just is a mess. Drinks too much, is codependent and is VERY angry. Sort of like he has Tourette's Syndrome. Quick flashes of anger followed by long dark sulking/sullen moods. The grandfather? He was just a plain bastard. Meaner than hell, physically abusive with my grandmother and mean to his daughters. I don't even know what his deal was as he died in the late 80's but I do know that he was a real mother fucker...and crazy, too.
I am grown up and I now I act like they did. I scare people. I put people off. She even told me that I needed to get into an Anger Management class, which, in my infinite wisdom decided that I didn't need to do. At this point, I need to focus on the present and make each moment in my life count. I need to act thoughtfully, not impulsively. By changing these sorts things, I believe that I can be the best me. Living with the regret around not being able to walk my talk sucks.
There has never been a point in my life when I wanted a do-over more than I do now. I would give anything to have another chance at this particular relationship. It feels like the only one that was worth a shit. The only one where I had that feeling of bliss, of openness, where I could talk about anything. The relationship in which I wanted to do anything to protect it, to shield it from my demons, from society's demons. I wanted our life to be the salvation from all the ugly in the world. The relationship in which I could be the best me ever..with a person who wanted the same and to grow in a way, together, that I had only dreamed about.
She is the most beautiful woman. So smart, so sweet, so amazingly creative. I couldn't have made her up in my mind if I would have tried. Great taste in music. Sexy, sassy, political. Kind. Simply perfection. God damn it. I fucked up so bad.
The upside to all of this? Yes, there is an upside. It really is helping me to see me for what I am. That scared teenager who feels abandoned. Who is afraid of losing people. So scared, that I make it happen. Something inside me pushes me to this crazy behavior. Believes that it's going to happen, so why wait? At least I'll be in control. What a fuck-up. BUT, I am doing a so-called inward dive to tear it apart and hopefully put it back together.
I am reading voraciously. All kinds of books that are based in spirituality and doing the exercises in each..very slowly. Perhaps at some point, down the road, we will meet again and I will be the person I professed to be and she will have me again.
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