So 2009 was a tumultuous year, not as much as 2008. I think I've found some peace.
I was finally hired for a job. Not a job that I thought I would ever have, but it pays fairly well and offers some sweet benefits. I'm hoping it takes me somewhere new, to a place in which I can end up in a career helping people.
Met a new girl. She is great, but very different from me. I suppose that is a good thing, but there are some foundational differences that create some huge issues. Mostly, she helps me to see life in a different way. It's a good thing.
In looking forward to the New Year, I'm hoping to continue to reconnect with my spirituality search, continue to grow new friendships and tend to the older friendships that always seem to be a victim of our adult lives.
Look forward to continue sharing my journey and hopefully offering some insights that you might have some use for in your daily life.
Today's Affirmation:
I release all criticism.
Showing newest posts with label update. Show older posts
Showing newest posts with label update. Show older posts
The Bumps
It seems like every time I turn around there is another loose end hanging out there. This week it was some website stuff. I get an email or text asking for something, respond and then don't hear back. It's just plain rude. Somehow I feel like I want to help put this stuff to bed, but A's lack of common decency to get back to me is astounding.
She has built events of the past up in her mind so much, that we did not even go through the same break-up. It's amazing. I know that I was desperate to not lose her, to lose our life, my family, my home and every other fucking thing....BUT the accusations are seriously over the top. It sort of makes me wonder about the severity of certain issues that she shared with me. Not that those things didn't happen, but more about the degree.
I've been using affirmations to keep me going. At points where I feel myself slipping down the hill, I just keep saying them over and over and over and over. I hope that at some point, my heart will believe them.
She has built events of the past up in her mind so much, that we did not even go through the same break-up. It's amazing. I know that I was desperate to not lose her, to lose our life, my family, my home and every other fucking thing....BUT the accusations are seriously over the top. It sort of makes me wonder about the severity of certain issues that she shared with me. Not that those things didn't happen, but more about the degree.
I've been using affirmations to keep me going. At points where I feel myself slipping down the hill, I just keep saying them over and over and over and over. I hope that at some point, my heart will believe them.
Again
So, it seems that I have forsaken the soul searching for my old ways. I've been drinking too much and spending money that I don't have. I let the social in the social life overtake everything that I have been striving to attain.
I've had issues around lack of control with things like alcohol in the past. Like 15 years in the past. Over the last 10 years or so it's been manageable. I guess I've never thought of myself as an alcoholic per se. But I do have a propensity for over-drinking on occasion. Two times in the past month I've drank my dinner when out, which has left me totally fucked up. The first time I butt dialed my parents at like 1am and then most recently, I butt dialed someone that I really don't want any contact with period.
The thing about all of this behavior is that a. it puts those close to me in very uncomfortable positions; b. it makes me look like an asshole; c. it tends to just deepen the so-called hole I'm in.
One would think that I would make some great change to combat this shit..but no. Not me. I feel paralyzed with fear about the whole thing. Instead of listening to myself and my therapist, I did the "no, I'm OK - I've got this under control" thing.
I am noticing that my anger is welling up again as I become more depressed. It is such a fucking struggle every day. I do OK during daylight hours, but in the evening I crash. I'm very tired of not being able to sleep even though I am exhausted. I'm sick of wasting my days with nothing. No structure, at all.
Therapy is tomorrow, so maybe she can help me figure some stuff out.
I've had issues around lack of control with things like alcohol in the past. Like 15 years in the past. Over the last 10 years or so it's been manageable. I guess I've never thought of myself as an alcoholic per se. But I do have a propensity for over-drinking on occasion. Two times in the past month I've drank my dinner when out, which has left me totally fucked up. The first time I butt dialed my parents at like 1am and then most recently, I butt dialed someone that I really don't want any contact with period.
The thing about all of this behavior is that a. it puts those close to me in very uncomfortable positions; b. it makes me look like an asshole; c. it tends to just deepen the so-called hole I'm in.
One would think that I would make some great change to combat this shit..but no. Not me. I feel paralyzed with fear about the whole thing. Instead of listening to myself and my therapist, I did the "no, I'm OK - I've got this under control" thing.
I am noticing that my anger is welling up again as I become more depressed. It is such a fucking struggle every day. I do OK during daylight hours, but in the evening I crash. I'm very tired of not being able to sleep even though I am exhausted. I'm sick of wasting my days with nothing. No structure, at all.
Therapy is tomorrow, so maybe she can help me figure some stuff out.
Starting Over
So I haven't said much about A recently. I've been trying to focus on better things in my life. Today, though, after emailing her about some housecleaning leftovers from the past, she told me she has started a new relationship.
I think it's amazing how little something really means in the end. In a mere 8 months, she is already off to the next victim. I hope that her new girlfriend understands the things that lurk below the beautiful surface that is A. As much as she likes to display the "on the ball therapist" personality, there are things that she has not really come to terms with . As much as I haven't.
Hopefully she will be happy in her new love. I, on the other hand, have taken yet another dive downward. It's amazing how deep the hole really goes. As much I feel like I have been doing the work I need to do, this is one that just won't settle. It's frustrating and hurts like hell. I am very tired of feeling this stuff. The depression, the sorrow, the anguish - all the emotions that I didn't feel for so damn long just won't go away.
Missing her is the hardest part. The little things, the way she used to look at me, the way that she was encouraging and supportive, how it felt to be wrapped in her love, to just know that someone really did love me for me. Unfortunately, she thinks I really am the fucked up person that she broke up with and that I am not the person she initially fell in love with. That is what hurts the most, and seems to be the hardest part to reconcile within me. That I fucked up so severely. The regrets are huge. Huge giant hurdles that are killing me.
I just want my fucking life back. Where anything was possible, where the outlook was typically optimistic, I want to be taken in her arms and soothed. I just want to be told it's all going to be ok, not just ok but amazing.....like it was.
I think it's amazing how little something really means in the end. In a mere 8 months, she is already off to the next victim. I hope that her new girlfriend understands the things that lurk below the beautiful surface that is A. As much as she likes to display the "on the ball therapist" personality, there are things that she has not really come to terms with . As much as I haven't.
Hopefully she will be happy in her new love. I, on the other hand, have taken yet another dive downward. It's amazing how deep the hole really goes. As much I feel like I have been doing the work I need to do, this is one that just won't settle. It's frustrating and hurts like hell. I am very tired of feeling this stuff. The depression, the sorrow, the anguish - all the emotions that I didn't feel for so damn long just won't go away.
Missing her is the hardest part. The little things, the way she used to look at me, the way that she was encouraging and supportive, how it felt to be wrapped in her love, to just know that someone really did love me for me. Unfortunately, she thinks I really am the fucked up person that she broke up with and that I am not the person she initially fell in love with. That is what hurts the most, and seems to be the hardest part to reconcile within me. That I fucked up so severely. The regrets are huge. Huge giant hurdles that are killing me.
I just want my fucking life back. Where anything was possible, where the outlook was typically optimistic, I want to be taken in her arms and soothed. I just want to be told it's all going to be ok, not just ok but amazing.....like it was.
20 Days
The last 20 days have been full of new things and people. As a part of the New Year, I have tried to open myself up to new people along with new habits. I've been hiking, coffeeing, lunching and more. It's been very good for my soul.
Two of my newer friends are in a similar place as myself. Both looking for deeper connections in their lives, trying to create something new for themselves. It has been nice to build friendships based on something beyond cocktails or politics. I hope that we will be friends for many years to come.
Therapy is providing a huge number of breakthroughs. I have continued to look deeply within myself, to see those things that helped me become lost in the first place. Although it is still difficult to spend time completely alone, it is getting easier. I asked my therapist if it was bad that I am spending so much time moving, instead of sitting with myself. She replied that it seems to be a good step forward that I am at least posing this question. I guess it's true. Typically I would just move forward and not consider those steps forward.
My week didn't start off too well as A and I had a spat. It is unfortunate when we communicate as the pain comes immediately to the surface and then pulling me back down into the abyss of depression. Dramatic, yes - but it's really how it feels. I can see all the things I am doing right now that actually push me back instead of forward. Thank god yesterday a friend came by early to get me moving. Today, not so good.
I belong to the world that I live, I love people and am loved by them. I have a deep sense of confidence and trust. I am secure in life and no longer anxious about anything.
Two of my newer friends are in a similar place as myself. Both looking for deeper connections in their lives, trying to create something new for themselves. It has been nice to build friendships based on something beyond cocktails or politics. I hope that we will be friends for many years to come.
Therapy is providing a huge number of breakthroughs. I have continued to look deeply within myself, to see those things that helped me become lost in the first place. Although it is still difficult to spend time completely alone, it is getting easier. I asked my therapist if it was bad that I am spending so much time moving, instead of sitting with myself. She replied that it seems to be a good step forward that I am at least posing this question. I guess it's true. Typically I would just move forward and not consider those steps forward.
My week didn't start off too well as A and I had a spat. It is unfortunate when we communicate as the pain comes immediately to the surface and then pulling me back down into the abyss of depression. Dramatic, yes - but it's really how it feels. I can see all the things I am doing right now that actually push me back instead of forward. Thank god yesterday a friend came by early to get me moving. Today, not so good.
I belong to the world that I live, I love people and am loved by them. I have a deep sense of confidence and trust. I am secure in life and no longer anxious about anything.
Happy New Year
I've been kind of quiet around here. Had a really severe bout of depression. Trapped in the house because of snow, no real reason to leave. It doesn't snow in Portland all that much, so no real gear to get you out and about except to walk the dog.
Christmas was difficult. Remembering last year in Nashville, this one paled in comparison. There is nothing like a Southern Christmas. There is nothing like that good old Southern Hospitality.
Birthday was great. My buddy got together a bunch of pals to go bowling and then on to karaoke. It was super fun. Old friends and new helped me usher in my 43rd year.
New Year's Eve was nice, too. The best part was the therapy session I had. I figured it might be a good way to start out the new year or close out the old one. I came to a number of realizations during this session. The biggest and most striking was that A isn't really what I am missing so much as the optimism and pure joy she helped me to see on an almost daily basis. In our relationship I saw the world through a different lense. I realized that I have that joy inside of me every day. It's a matter of me not letting my normal cynicism overtake the small things that are good. To move beyond being a little rain cloud for everyone around me but mostly to allow myself to appreciate those things.
I have sort of approached this previously in regard to my road trip to see Lucinda just after Labor Day, hiking in the woods,etc. It's up to me to make time for this stuff. To look at ways I can get out and enjoy everything around me. I used to love to sit on the beach and just absorb all the beauty of the ocean or hike in the woods and enjoy it's beauty. To be amazed at all the wonders. I've lost that part of myself. Due to work and various responsibilities. It's dumb. I mean why do you work? To put a roof over your head, food in your stomach and to also have the ability to occupy your non-work hours with things you love.
Here's my affirmation for the week:
My life is abundant with joy. Joy is within me and around me, all the time. The more I allow myself to feel joy, the more joy comes into my life.
Christmas was difficult. Remembering last year in Nashville, this one paled in comparison. There is nothing like a Southern Christmas. There is nothing like that good old Southern Hospitality.
Birthday was great. My buddy got together a bunch of pals to go bowling and then on to karaoke. It was super fun. Old friends and new helped me usher in my 43rd year.
New Year's Eve was nice, too. The best part was the therapy session I had. I figured it might be a good way to start out the new year or close out the old one. I came to a number of realizations during this session. The biggest and most striking was that A isn't really what I am missing so much as the optimism and pure joy she helped me to see on an almost daily basis. In our relationship I saw the world through a different lense. I realized that I have that joy inside of me every day. It's a matter of me not letting my normal cynicism overtake the small things that are good. To move beyond being a little rain cloud for everyone around me but mostly to allow myself to appreciate those things.
I have sort of approached this previously in regard to my road trip to see Lucinda just after Labor Day, hiking in the woods,etc. It's up to me to make time for this stuff. To look at ways I can get out and enjoy everything around me. I used to love to sit on the beach and just absorb all the beauty of the ocean or hike in the woods and enjoy it's beauty. To be amazed at all the wonders. I've lost that part of myself. Due to work and various responsibilities. It's dumb. I mean why do you work? To put a roof over your head, food in your stomach and to also have the ability to occupy your non-work hours with things you love.
Here's my affirmation for the week:
My life is abundant with joy. Joy is within me and around me, all the time. The more I allow myself to feel joy, the more joy comes into my life.
Catching Up
Wow, it's been a whole week since my last post. Lots of stuff going on. Hooking up with old friends. Trying to find my way through the emotional and spiritual abyss. Overall, I think things are going OK.
I have continued to read about all the topics at hand. I feel like everyday the inner me handles things much better. I wonder if at some point I will have an overall feeling of calm serenity...not like a nut, but in relation to handling all that life can toss at you. Now, I have days where I can shrug stuff off but there are still days when I get all wound up and stressed or nervous about this, that or the other thing. To be able to face any difficulty with a sense of calm and to a certain degree, grace, would be an amazing change in my life.
Still on the outs with A. I feel really horrible about haven driven her to the point of no contact with me. Period. She feels like I am stalking her. I'm not quite sure why. Honestly, I do love her, still. I care about her. I wonder about her. I think about the dogs. More and more in a wistful way. Not with such huge and overwhelming sadness, but a bit closer to neutral. Mostly, I just want her to be happy and successful in whatever she does. I don't doubt that she will be successful, I just hope that she remains happy in her life and in her body.
She is going home for the holidays, as usual. I am jealous. Last Christmas was so wonderful. Her family was so kind and generous to me, it felt really great. I am going to miss them. I'll miss the food. I am going to miss shooting skeet, too!
Looking forward I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels good. I guess there are some things I'll never quite understand. Maybe it's better that I don't. I guess that I'll always carry a small portion of regret about the last 12 months. This isn't how I thought things would be. I never thought that she would carry on and move forward so quickly, but I guess it goes to show that you never really know anyone - sometimes even yourself.
The snow today has sort of screwed up my plans for the day as I was to go hiking in Forest Park with some buddies. Now it's snowshoeing around the complex so the pup can get his walks.
I have continued to read about all the topics at hand. I feel like everyday the inner me handles things much better. I wonder if at some point I will have an overall feeling of calm serenity...not like a nut, but in relation to handling all that life can toss at you. Now, I have days where I can shrug stuff off but there are still days when I get all wound up and stressed or nervous about this, that or the other thing. To be able to face any difficulty with a sense of calm and to a certain degree, grace, would be an amazing change in my life.
Still on the outs with A. I feel really horrible about haven driven her to the point of no contact with me. Period. She feels like I am stalking her. I'm not quite sure why. Honestly, I do love her, still. I care about her. I wonder about her. I think about the dogs. More and more in a wistful way. Not with such huge and overwhelming sadness, but a bit closer to neutral. Mostly, I just want her to be happy and successful in whatever she does. I don't doubt that she will be successful, I just hope that she remains happy in her life and in her body.
She is going home for the holidays, as usual. I am jealous. Last Christmas was so wonderful. Her family was so kind and generous to me, it felt really great. I am going to miss them. I'll miss the food. I am going to miss shooting skeet, too!
Looking forward I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels good. I guess there are some things I'll never quite understand. Maybe it's better that I don't. I guess that I'll always carry a small portion of regret about the last 12 months. This isn't how I thought things would be. I never thought that she would carry on and move forward so quickly, but I guess it goes to show that you never really know anyone - sometimes even yourself.
The snow today has sort of screwed up my plans for the day as I was to go hiking in Forest Park with some buddies. Now it's snowshoeing around the complex so the pup can get his walks.
Getting Back To Real Life
Well, things are going well. I'm getting out a bit more. Haven't spoken with A since I answered her ad. I did send her one email asking a question that apparently crossed "the boundary" as she hasn't gotten back to me.
I had posted an ad on CL a bit ago but yanked it after one of my friends read me the riot act over it. A nice woman actually posted looking for the person that posted the ad. We've emailed but agree that the email thing can set false expectations, so we are hooking up on Sunday for coffee. Should be fun, she has great taste in music, is in grad school/works full-time so it should be nice if we click. Not a lot of pressure. It's looking like there might a couple of other dates over the next few days, so it should be fun! It would be great find a hot femme to spend my birthday with.
Got out tonight and went to a queer event. It was sort of fun to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else. Kind of a small turnout, but apparently is still being organized. I feel like I am getting the spring back in my step. I've kind of started to 'go there' but have managed to just push it out of my mind. I think I might be turning the corner past A.
I think I finally realized that she has no feelings for me whatsoever. It doesn't even feel like there is a sense of nostalgia about us. Even the relationship where I was actually married has that and more or less has since we split. I guess in the end, it was a good thing that A dumped me so that I didn't make the error of actually having a ceremony only to have her decide that she needs to sow her oats a few months later. It's funny, though. Things really started to go into the shitter when I told her that I felt we should put off the date for a bit as things were rough. She also lost it when I told her that I wanted to split up the finances. It didn't seem fair that she was making good money and spending it all on my bills. It was like she thought I was preparing to leave and had to strike first or something.
Whatever, I don't need to worry about it anymore. It's done. Fin. Kaput. I hope she's happy. I am not holding out any hope that we will be together again.
The working out is really helping my mental attitude and general energy level. I feel much more focused on things I need to work on for myself. It's much easier at this point. I have continued to write, even written a bit of poetry. Hoping to get my hand-me-down sewing machine fixed soon. The aunt & uncle want to buy me a new one should this one not be able to be fixed. It feels odd and she got a bit defensive when I said that it felt odd. We'll see.
My bankruptcy hearing was today, as well. Looks like I will be carless pretty soon. The trustee is a bastard. Guess it's time to pay the fiddler. FlexCar, here I come!
I had posted an ad on CL a bit ago but yanked it after one of my friends read me the riot act over it. A nice woman actually posted looking for the person that posted the ad. We've emailed but agree that the email thing can set false expectations, so we are hooking up on Sunday for coffee. Should be fun, she has great taste in music, is in grad school/works full-time so it should be nice if we click. Not a lot of pressure. It's looking like there might a couple of other dates over the next few days, so it should be fun! It would be great find a hot femme to spend my birthday with.
Got out tonight and went to a queer event. It was sort of fun to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else. Kind of a small turnout, but apparently is still being organized. I feel like I am getting the spring back in my step. I've kind of started to 'go there' but have managed to just push it out of my mind. I think I might be turning the corner past A.
I think I finally realized that she has no feelings for me whatsoever. It doesn't even feel like there is a sense of nostalgia about us. Even the relationship where I was actually married has that and more or less has since we split. I guess in the end, it was a good thing that A dumped me so that I didn't make the error of actually having a ceremony only to have her decide that she needs to sow her oats a few months later. It's funny, though. Things really started to go into the shitter when I told her that I felt we should put off the date for a bit as things were rough. She also lost it when I told her that I wanted to split up the finances. It didn't seem fair that she was making good money and spending it all on my bills. It was like she thought I was preparing to leave and had to strike first or something.
Whatever, I don't need to worry about it anymore. It's done. Fin. Kaput. I hope she's happy. I am not holding out any hope that we will be together again.
The working out is really helping my mental attitude and general energy level. I feel much more focused on things I need to work on for myself. It's much easier at this point. I have continued to write, even written a bit of poetry. Hoping to get my hand-me-down sewing machine fixed soon. The aunt & uncle want to buy me a new one should this one not be able to be fixed. It feels odd and she got a bit defensive when I said that it felt odd. We'll see.
My bankruptcy hearing was today, as well. Looks like I will be carless pretty soon. The trustee is a bastard. Guess it's time to pay the fiddler. FlexCar, here I come!
Winding Down the Week
So it's been a decent week. As usual, I am looking forward to therapy next week. I have gotten off the spiritual stuff a bit and boy does it show. The depression comes screaming back along with the tears and feelings of anguish.
It's like there is a switch inside of me that goes on and off. Either that or the pure distractions of life. I am distracted from my insides so I feel fine and forget that I need to continue to do that work. I feel like it's the thing that really does keep me steady..along with therapy, of course!
Looking forward to a nice quiet weekend. Hopefully will have time to get some business stuff taken care of!
It's like there is a switch inside of me that goes on and off. Either that or the pure distractions of life. I am distracted from my insides so I feel fine and forget that I need to continue to do that work. I feel like it's the thing that really does keep me steady..along with therapy, of course!
Looking forward to a nice quiet weekend. Hopefully will have time to get some business stuff taken care of!
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