Dark days. Never ending.

The darkness won't leave.  It never does.  There may be a dim glow of light, but it's usually extinguished rather quickly.

Every night I beg the higher power to let me go.  To take me out instead of a child, parent or other being that is loved and has a life.  Suicide isn't an alternative.  I realize that's passive, but with my track record-I'd fuck that up, too.

The thoughts of my past life are simply too much to bear most days.   It's all I want.  I try and try to get past it.  If there is empty space in my life or schedule, it's where the gerbils take me.  It's a desperate feeling, like drowning.

More Disappointment

There are these moments, where it feels like things might be taking a turn.  A turn for the better.  But really, it seems to end up more like a u-turn back to shit.  My love once told me that everything I touch turns to shit.  It feels like she was right.

I can't get traction.  In anything.  In work, in life, in sobriety, nothing.   Yesterday, I couldn't even successfully get my laundry done.

Then the call this morning.  The call from the place.  Where I thought I had a great chance.  I didn't get the job.  They went with someone who volunteers with them and has volunteered for a while.  I guess this is more motivation to get outside myself and do good work just for the joy of doing it.

I leave this here and go try to move the latest pile of shit.

Moving

Well, my lease is up on the apartment.  The roomie and I have to decided to part ways..he's in love and moving in with his man.  I'm moving to a small cave on the East side. 

I'm hoping that this will be a fresh start, a clean slate.  I need something to change...this is kind of a big one.  The roomie is like the little brother that I never had.  We often joke that we are 34...the average of our ages.  He's a bit more mature than his real age and I'm a bit more immature than my age.  He's been so loving and supportive through these last two year.  Always positive, always kind and always thoughtful.  He's an amazing guy..his boyfriend is very lucky to have landed him.

My new life will most likely be quiet.  Lots more meetings and hopefully moving toward the middle of AA.  There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to give up the old life.  But, I have to.  There's no other choice.  I'm pining for things that  I can't have.  Apparently it's time to leave them in the past where they belong.  I'm crying as I type these words.  She was my soul mate.  We should have had a life together.  I've made choices that inevitably made this impossible.

I wish I could the upside or the glass as half full, but it's real hard.

2 Years

I made it.  It was touch and go for a bit.  My sponsor says that I'm a spiritual warrior.  Not sure what that means, but I like the sound of it.

Each year I'm reminded of what brought me to this place.  It's been a particularly rough last few months and I've been much more emotional than usual..and that's saying a lot for me.  I've found in sobriety that I tend to cry a lot.  This whole week has been full of tears.

I desperately want to be close to the woman I love, who also won't speak to me.  For whatever reason, I want her to be proud of me.  Proud of my strength for getting through this.  I want to feel her love, her hugs, her head rubs...I'd give anything to feel those long arms wrap around me and feel her chin and lips on my head. 

I'm lucky.  I've got so many people in my corner, it's amazing....but, yet, all of that love pales in comparison to hers. 

My biggest fears are loss and abandonment.  Both of those things are very real at this point.  I've given her no real choice.  As she said, I hold on too tightly to what is willingly there, with me.  It's because I'm scared...scared that no one will love me in this way again, that I'll be alone and that I'm a piece of shit that can't maintain anything.  It all feels so real right now.

These moments are when my mind goes to the darkest places.  I hate myself.  I want to hurt myself.  I want to sleep and never wake up (I'm too much of a pussy to try to off myself, I'd probably fuck that up, too).  The pain is real, it's physical and it won't stop.  My body aches from the heaving sobs.  I've cried so much that I sound like I've got a cold and I'm dehydrated.  I really, really feel like giving up.  I'll fantasize about it.  I'll dream about it...but in the end, I'll wake up to another day of this.  Hoping to find a distraction that will take me away.  Hoping that someone will reach out, I'm afraid to reach out for fear that I'll be rejected.  Again. 

It's a vicious cycle.  It's a never ending cycle.  It just goes around and around and around and I haven't found a way to stop it.  I ask my higher power every day to take away the fear, anxiety and dread.  To help me see the glass as half-full rather than half empty.  But, so far, nothing.

The Only Way....

To end the punishment, is to end it myself.  No one can do that for me.

Four Days and Counting

In AA they talk about doing one thing different.  They talk about HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.)  All of these things we are supposed to recognize.  Right now, I'm in complete HALT.  It's my 10th day of work in a row with two more to go.

The alcoholic brain does weird things when you have any of those things.  It's like a sugar crash of the worst kind.   Your emotions get totally out of control and you think bad thoughts.  Like you want to kill yourself, life you want to drink, like you want to break things, like you want to run away.  The first thing one does in this situation is get to a meeting.  At this time, I've no plans to go.  I plan on taking a shower and crying for a while and then hunkering down with my four-legged companions on the couch.

I don't care to look like a pussy in public.  The image  I try to maintain is somewhat stoic and cold.  People who can manage to find their way behind that facade will find a warm and kind person....but it's not what I care to project.  Part of it is my work, part of it is some odd thing around my own self-esteem.

Roxanne's Shoes
My gerbils are in high gear right now.  On this day, two years ago, my love and I were looking at a new apartment.  She sent me a text that read "I don't want to break up our family, I've found and apartment to look at after work if you'd like."  I still have the texts and pictures she sent me on my phone.  It's a reminder, albeit a painful one of what I've lost and why I don't drink.  In fact, I have every text she's sent me since I switched to an iPhone in 2011.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.  They're all there as a historical marker of my highs and lows over the past three years.

It's a kind of masochism, I suppose.  To have these reminders of what might have been and what I've lost.  it keeps me sober.  It also keeps me down.  Someone in AA once told me that I need to make space in my life by letting go of the past.  If I don't make that space that nothing new will ever come.  To some degree, it's true.  Nothing new has shown up, but nothing old has come back.  It's a placeholder, just in case...just in case she changes her mind.

Sunflower by Roxanne
The last day we spoke, in December, she told me she regretted letting me back in her life in 2010.  Those words still ring in my ears.  It's so loud, that at points it feels like my ears may bleed.  In my heart, I hope that she was just very angry and didn't really mean it....but it kind of feels like she did.

I wished she could see what was in my heart.  I wish she could feel the very base love that I have for her.  That she is thing that makes life beautiful.  She makes me want to wake up every day, not matter how much it hurts.  Just the fact that I have a shred of hope, sitting along side my very small shred of dignity keeps me going.

The two photos up on the left and over on the right...the shoes, those are the shoes that melt my heart.  She could walk 10 miles on a Saturday night in those babies.  So many nights we spent dancing our asses off, fully and completely in love.  The sunflower, well, she took that shot on one of our camping adventures last summer.  She has an amazing eye.  Sunflowers are her favorite.  I bought this one for her.  It was the start of her birthday week.  I'd managed to fuck up every other one that we'd spent together.  I bought a bunch of tiny gifts and carefully laid them out each morning of our outing.  She told me it was the best birthday she'd had in a long time.  I did one thing right.

I hope that she and her latest enjoy the flatware I'd bought for camping.

Just A Few More Days

So, in just a few more days my world gets really shaky.  It's the anniversary of the day my life, as I knew it, ended.  On the 2/24/12 I made a decision that would alter the course of my life forever.  My lady and I had decided to work it out after a couple of months of break-up talk. 

We had decided to reconcile.  We found a new place to lease.  Things were looking great.  But, then, my alcoholism decided to kick in and force it's hand.  Instead of coming home on that Friday night, I decided to drinking....just for one drink that ended up to be an endless number.  How many?  I don't know.  Enough to make me black out and do regrettable things.

The love of my life left me.  We had a fight.  It was violent.  I woke up with a black eye and a hand-shaped bruise on my face.  There was broken glass everywhere.  Furniture was toppled, the dogs were gone and so was she.

There was blood, luckily my own, not hers.  I went out for one last night on 2/25/12.  It was my last night of drinking and drugging.   On 2/26/12 I quit drinking for good (god willing.)  I went to my first AA meeting on 2/29/12.  It was so hard.  I shook, I felt sick, but I had to do it.

We've tried to see each other a number of times over the last two years.  My alcoholic head tells me that I'm not good enough, that she's got one arm around me and one eye on the crowd looking for the next better thing.  If my self-esteem wasn't so low, I doubt it'd be true.

This last year was a ride.  I pushed her out again, for what looks like the last time.  She left my life in December.  I pushed too hard.  Things have been extremely difficult over the last couple of months.  My father landed in the hospital in early December for eight days, my animal companion became seriously ill and nearly died, then my father died on January 4th.  There have been a couple of other things, not huge, but just kind of add to the pile.

AA and/or quitting drinking doesn't solve your problems.  Only I can do this.  There is much work to do to stop the monkey brain.  Even when you take away the alcohol, the base of my issue is still there.

I've got a lot of reconciliation to deal with.  Now, both of my parents are gone.  My mother died when I was a teenager.  I've got a step-mother, I don't quite understand our relationship.  At this point, it feels like a bond based on some kind of grief rather than parent/child love.  I've got one blood relative that I am close with.  It sounds dramatic, but well, I feel like an orphan.

The only reason I sobered up was to bring her back.  To prove that she was more important than booze.  That she was the most important thing in my life.  That our life mattered above all else and that I would do anything to save it.  It hasn't worked.

My life today is filled with amazing, loving and supportive folks both in and out of the program.  It doesn't look like I thought it was.  I find little joy in my day-today life.  There are days when my head has so many thoughts about the past and how horrible now feels, that I think about stabbing my head multiple times to make it stop.  There are times when I just want to get in my car and drive until I can't drive any more.  Crying is a morning and evening ritual, kind of like prayer.  People tell me that it gets better, but really, in the end - no, it doesn't.