So 2009 was a tumultuous year, not as much as 2008. I think I've found some peace.
I was finally hired for a job. Not a job that I thought I would ever have, but it pays fairly well and offers some sweet benefits. I'm hoping it takes me somewhere new, to a place in which I can end up in a career helping people.
Met a new girl. She is great, but very different from me. I suppose that is a good thing, but there are some foundational differences that create some huge issues. Mostly, she helps me to see life in a different way. It's a good thing.
In looking forward to the New Year, I'm hoping to continue to reconnect with my spirituality search, continue to grow new friendships and tend to the older friendships that always seem to be a victim of our adult lives.
Look forward to continue sharing my journey and hopefully offering some insights that you might have some use for in your daily life.
Today's Affirmation:
I release all criticism.
The Fat Lady Gets An Encore
Oooops. I did it again. Tonight she called the whole thing off. It's funny, although I haven't been on Cloud 9 lately about the whole thing....I'm still torn up. We went for a fantastic 8 mile hike, then came back to my place and chilled, talked, and she dumped me.
I feel a great sense of failure. I thought I was in a better place - more capable of maintaining a relationship. Not the case.
This is it for a very long while. I can't keep doing this over and over again.
Today's affirmation:
I deserve the love that I receive.
I feel a great sense of failure. I thought I was in a better place - more capable of maintaining a relationship. Not the case.
This is it for a very long while. I can't keep doing this over and over again.
Today's affirmation:
I deserve the love that I receive.
WTF?!?!
So, I've been dating a person. In a relationship, I guess. We more or less call ourselves girlfriends. It's been fun, light...you know how it goes. The funny thing is that I am finding myself in that same place again. The place where I don't feel worthy. Where my self-esteem crashes and I only find myself fucking up and trying the patience of said person.
It's like this deep, dark, black well that I fall into. There is no way to climb out of the abyss. It's dumb, too. It's been fun BUT it's also been somewhat trying. The whole thing has almost been like dating myself. I have sort of felt like I now know what the exes have felt like while being in a relationship with me. R and I have so many similar traits, yet so many differences between us - it makes things hard.
The question is: how do I keep the deep, dark well of worthlessness from opening up and sucking me in? How many affirmations can you repeat? How many times can you slowly and clearly say each one? Do you ever really believe the words that come out of your mouth?
It's like this deep, dark, black well that I fall into. There is no way to climb out of the abyss. It's dumb, too. It's been fun BUT it's also been somewhat trying. The whole thing has almost been like dating myself. I have sort of felt like I now know what the exes have felt like while being in a relationship with me. R and I have so many similar traits, yet so many differences between us - it makes things hard.
The question is: how do I keep the deep, dark well of worthlessness from opening up and sucking me in? How many affirmations can you repeat? How many times can you slowly and clearly say each one? Do you ever really believe the words that come out of your mouth?
Life Is Simple...
Life is very simple. I give what I receive. Today, I choose to give love.
I just wish it was to a certain person.
I just wish it was to a certain person.
Whoa, It's Been A While
So I sort of gave up the blogging for a bit. I met a really nice gal. Started doing a bit more work than I had in some months. The dating thing is odd as I carry quite a bit of baggage in this area.
I found a job. Doing something in a place that I would never work...ever. It's OK. The pay is good, the benefits are fantastic. The only problem is that I start at 4:30am...yes, 4:30am. It's killing my social life. I've gained about 15 pounds or so which is not good. I'm trying to quit smoking, but not having much luck.
My spiritual quest is still on. Doing a bit of reading here and there, but not much growth overall. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend my church due to my hours. It's sucks and I could really use it.
The new girl is great. A bit like dating myself. We have the same temperament, so it can be a bit volatile at times but overall a lot of fun. Should be interesting to see where this goes.
I found a job. Doing something in a place that I would never work...ever. It's OK. The pay is good, the benefits are fantastic. The only problem is that I start at 4:30am...yes, 4:30am. It's killing my social life. I've gained about 15 pounds or so which is not good. I'm trying to quit smoking, but not having much luck.
My spiritual quest is still on. Doing a bit of reading here and there, but not much growth overall. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend my church due to my hours. It's sucks and I could really use it.
The new girl is great. A bit like dating myself. We have the same temperament, so it can be a bit volatile at times but overall a lot of fun. Should be interesting to see where this goes.
I Feel Bad.
I just crashed. I can't stop crying. I feel like I am going to hyperventilate. My mind is swirling with thoughts about so much stuff. All mostly sad. Does anyone understand how this happens? Does anyone know how to make it go away?
This stuff is making me so tired.
This stuff is making me so tired.
Missing Pittsburg
Yeah, I know there is a missing "h" up there in the title. It's a personal thing. If you know what it means, you know-if not, sorry!
Had to go on a trip out of town this weekend. Very short time-wise, very long mile-wise (6 hour drive), but very worth it. A friend/colleague passed away this past week. She died after battling breast cancer for 10 years. V was an amazing woman. So positive, even through the cancer. Never considered dying an option. Still worked with clients until about her last three months. She was woman who knew what she wanted out of life, knew the kind of life she wanted for her family and made it so. At the service, it was quite clear that I was not the only person who felt this way. She touched many lives. She will be greatly missed but I know that she is somewhere out there in one form or another watching us and creating some amazing energy.
This event has given me a long pause for thought. I've gone through periods where I think I have done the things that I wanted to do. I think the biggest portion of that time was with A. It reinforces that feeling deep inside that I got lost by the daily grind rather than reveling in a life with a woman that I love deeply. Forgetting the small things, and letting the small things that appeared to be trouble become huge obstacles. I stopped looking at things the way I knew was right. I let my anxiety and depression drown me along with her and our life. It brings huge tears to my eyes to look at the words I've written.
Forgiveness is tough. I need to forgive myself for being a fuck-up. I need to let go of that relationship. To look toward my future, with affirming thoughts and visualizing what I want. I need to live each day to the fullest...doing what I want to do. She is in the past, now. In a place where I desperately want to be so that I may undo what has occurred.
While on this trip, I kept thinking about her and how fun it would have been for her to have been by my side as opposed to B. I wanted to see a part of Oregon that I had never seen, with her. Plus, I can't think of anyone I would rather spend 12 hours driving with than her. And she's a great co-pilot!
You know, I don't know if she reads this or checks in periodically. I doubt it as she seems/sounds very secure in the now and has no warm feelings whatsoever. But if you do, I am sorry. I miss you and I love you. So. Fucking. Much.
Had to go on a trip out of town this weekend. Very short time-wise, very long mile-wise (6 hour drive), but very worth it. A friend/colleague passed away this past week. She died after battling breast cancer for 10 years. V was an amazing woman. So positive, even through the cancer. Never considered dying an option. Still worked with clients until about her last three months. She was woman who knew what she wanted out of life, knew the kind of life she wanted for her family and made it so. At the service, it was quite clear that I was not the only person who felt this way. She touched many lives. She will be greatly missed but I know that she is somewhere out there in one form or another watching us and creating some amazing energy.
This event has given me a long pause for thought. I've gone through periods where I think I have done the things that I wanted to do. I think the biggest portion of that time was with A. It reinforces that feeling deep inside that I got lost by the daily grind rather than reveling in a life with a woman that I love deeply. Forgetting the small things, and letting the small things that appeared to be trouble become huge obstacles. I stopped looking at things the way I knew was right. I let my anxiety and depression drown me along with her and our life. It brings huge tears to my eyes to look at the words I've written.
Forgiveness is tough. I need to forgive myself for being a fuck-up. I need to let go of that relationship. To look toward my future, with affirming thoughts and visualizing what I want. I need to live each day to the fullest...doing what I want to do. She is in the past, now. In a place where I desperately want to be so that I may undo what has occurred.
While on this trip, I kept thinking about her and how fun it would have been for her to have been by my side as opposed to B. I wanted to see a part of Oregon that I had never seen, with her. Plus, I can't think of anyone I would rather spend 12 hours driving with than her. And she's a great co-pilot!
You know, I don't know if she reads this or checks in periodically. I doubt it as she seems/sounds very secure in the now and has no warm feelings whatsoever. But if you do, I am sorry. I miss you and I love you. So. Fucking. Much.
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