Well, I didn't make it to the phone bank, but in in the fundraising lead for my bowling team. The last couple of weeks have been full of ups and downs. I'd like to feel more even. It seems like when I'm able to be fairly level at work, it's a shit show personally.
I've been mostly following my sponsors directives. I journal here and in a little black Moleskine, I attend at least three meeting a week of Alcoholics Anonymous and I try to fellowship with the drunks when I can. I've done the first part of my 4th step and was given a few more tasks or dig a little deeper on some points. She's also advised me to get outside help...see a Psychiatrist.
The hardest part of my life today is really accepting what I've done, forgiving myself and moving forward. I can't seem to let go of the old life. Not the drugs and the drinking so much as the life I had. The family. The woman. She's amazing in a lot of ways. She accepted me for who I was with all of my faults. She is very kind and generous. She is a free spirit. We had so much fun, so many plans, so much potential in our life together. I guess I'm so afraid of losing it, that I forced the hand. She's apparently in a relationship with a wonderful guy and loving her life.
Today the weather is going to be beautiful. I need to figure out how to enjoy a day like this without looking back. By staying in the moment. I need to stop looking back and also need to stop keeping such a close eye on the future. One day at a time. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day....I need to move forward and cleanse my soul of all the negativity.
Reinvention
I've had this domain for years. I've never been able to do any meaningful writing here. Typically only ranting & whining about failed relationships. Yearning for a life never to be revived.
Today, my hope is to find a new life, lifestyle and love - love for myself, love for my life and love for the world around me.
I sobered up on February 26, 2012. On February 24, 2012 I made a seemingly split second decision that altered the course of my life forever. In one fell swoop, after drinking to blackout, I assaulted the love of my life, threatened to kill myself if she left, and pushed her out the door (figuratively, not literally - I continue to beg her to be a part of my life).
Since that day I've mostly been sleepwalking through my life. I attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings three to four times a week, work, live with three amazing people, and stay in my head. Instead of my life getting larger - I've allowed regret, depression and anxiety to keep me in my dark cave. Nothing has felt that good, but I'm not great at reaching out. I've not taken certain steps to open my life to love. Love, in a basic human sense, not in a romantic sense.
My point is, that I need to truly find what's inside. What my passions in life really are today - after all this change.
So far, I've decided that volunteerism will be my first step. I've joined a team to bowl in a fundraiser for a local non-profit animal adoption group and will begin training to run in a race that benefits the Ronald McDonald House. I'm also going to phone bank for my statewide gay rights group next week. These are small steps, but at least it's action on some level and doing something for someone beside myself.
Wish me luck.
Today, my hope is to find a new life, lifestyle and love - love for myself, love for my life and love for the world around me.
I sobered up on February 26, 2012. On February 24, 2012 I made a seemingly split second decision that altered the course of my life forever. In one fell swoop, after drinking to blackout, I assaulted the love of my life, threatened to kill myself if she left, and pushed her out the door (figuratively, not literally - I continue to beg her to be a part of my life).
Since that day I've mostly been sleepwalking through my life. I attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings three to four times a week, work, live with three amazing people, and stay in my head. Instead of my life getting larger - I've allowed regret, depression and anxiety to keep me in my dark cave. Nothing has felt that good, but I'm not great at reaching out. I've not taken certain steps to open my life to love. Love, in a basic human sense, not in a romantic sense.
My point is, that I need to truly find what's inside. What my passions in life really are today - after all this change.
So far, I've decided that volunteerism will be my first step. I've joined a team to bowl in a fundraiser for a local non-profit animal adoption group and will begin training to run in a race that benefits the Ronald McDonald House. I'm also going to phone bank for my statewide gay rights group next week. These are small steps, but at least it's action on some level and doing something for someone beside myself.
Wish me luck.
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