I just crashed. I can't stop crying. I feel like I am going to hyperventilate. My mind is swirling with thoughts about so much stuff. All mostly sad. Does anyone understand how this happens? Does anyone know how to make it go away?
This stuff is making me so tired.
Missing Pittsburg
Yeah, I know there is a missing "h" up there in the title. It's a personal thing. If you know what it means, you know-if not, sorry!
Had to go on a trip out of town this weekend. Very short time-wise, very long mile-wise (6 hour drive), but very worth it. A friend/colleague passed away this past week. She died after battling breast cancer for 10 years. V was an amazing woman. So positive, even through the cancer. Never considered dying an option. Still worked with clients until about her last three months. She was woman who knew what she wanted out of life, knew the kind of life she wanted for her family and made it so. At the service, it was quite clear that I was not the only person who felt this way. She touched many lives. She will be greatly missed but I know that she is somewhere out there in one form or another watching us and creating some amazing energy.
This event has given me a long pause for thought. I've gone through periods where I think I have done the things that I wanted to do. I think the biggest portion of that time was with A. It reinforces that feeling deep inside that I got lost by the daily grind rather than reveling in a life with a woman that I love deeply. Forgetting the small things, and letting the small things that appeared to be trouble become huge obstacles. I stopped looking at things the way I knew was right. I let my anxiety and depression drown me along with her and our life. It brings huge tears to my eyes to look at the words I've written.
Forgiveness is tough. I need to forgive myself for being a fuck-up. I need to let go of that relationship. To look toward my future, with affirming thoughts and visualizing what I want. I need to live each day to the fullest...doing what I want to do. She is in the past, now. In a place where I desperately want to be so that I may undo what has occurred.
While on this trip, I kept thinking about her and how fun it would have been for her to have been by my side as opposed to B. I wanted to see a part of Oregon that I had never seen, with her. Plus, I can't think of anyone I would rather spend 12 hours driving with than her. And she's a great co-pilot!
You know, I don't know if she reads this or checks in periodically. I doubt it as she seems/sounds very secure in the now and has no warm feelings whatsoever. But if you do, I am sorry. I miss you and I love you. So. Fucking. Much.
Had to go on a trip out of town this weekend. Very short time-wise, very long mile-wise (6 hour drive), but very worth it. A friend/colleague passed away this past week. She died after battling breast cancer for 10 years. V was an amazing woman. So positive, even through the cancer. Never considered dying an option. Still worked with clients until about her last three months. She was woman who knew what she wanted out of life, knew the kind of life she wanted for her family and made it so. At the service, it was quite clear that I was not the only person who felt this way. She touched many lives. She will be greatly missed but I know that she is somewhere out there in one form or another watching us and creating some amazing energy.
This event has given me a long pause for thought. I've gone through periods where I think I have done the things that I wanted to do. I think the biggest portion of that time was with A. It reinforces that feeling deep inside that I got lost by the daily grind rather than reveling in a life with a woman that I love deeply. Forgetting the small things, and letting the small things that appeared to be trouble become huge obstacles. I stopped looking at things the way I knew was right. I let my anxiety and depression drown me along with her and our life. It brings huge tears to my eyes to look at the words I've written.
Forgiveness is tough. I need to forgive myself for being a fuck-up. I need to let go of that relationship. To look toward my future, with affirming thoughts and visualizing what I want. I need to live each day to the fullest...doing what I want to do. She is in the past, now. In a place where I desperately want to be so that I may undo what has occurred.
While on this trip, I kept thinking about her and how fun it would have been for her to have been by my side as opposed to B. I wanted to see a part of Oregon that I had never seen, with her. Plus, I can't think of anyone I would rather spend 12 hours driving with than her. And she's a great co-pilot!
You know, I don't know if she reads this or checks in periodically. I doubt it as she seems/sounds very secure in the now and has no warm feelings whatsoever. But if you do, I am sorry. I miss you and I love you. So. Fucking. Much.
Moving
I have been having some movement in my mind and emotional state. I've been doing more reading (again) to try and get my mind in a place of peace. I've actually been sleeping a bit better over the last couple of days...not feeling like I need to sleep all day. Been seeing friends a bit more, doing short hikes, etc.
The finality of things is settling in my heart. I can still feel both my heart and stomach sink a bit, even as I type these words. Because it is still so very heartbreaking, but am facing the reality of never having her in my life, ever. It's OK. I'll live. I'll always probably have a little spot in my heart reserved for her. Maybe it's not even really for her, but for the feelings that she inspired inside me for the time we were together.
Leaving for Boise today. I don't know why, but part of me feels like this is going to be a cathartic experience. The long drive. Music. Playing it by ear. Who knows. Funny, but I've never even been that far out on 84. It will be difficult to say goodbye to a woman who was so inspirational, so warm, so caring. Although it's hard to believe that she is gone, her memory will live on and her life will be an example to others.
Today's affirmation:
Every thought and every act is governed and guided by a superior intelligence. There is something in me that knows what to do. It impels me to act upon what It knows. This very acceptance flows forth into action through me. Always there is an inner, quiet, persistent confidence, a non-resistant but complete acceptance, an inward flowing with the stream of life knowing that it carries me safely and surely to my destination and to the accomplishment of good purpose. This is divine guidance and I surrender to it.
The finality of things is settling in my heart. I can still feel both my heart and stomach sink a bit, even as I type these words. Because it is still so very heartbreaking, but am facing the reality of never having her in my life, ever. It's OK. I'll live. I'll always probably have a little spot in my heart reserved for her. Maybe it's not even really for her, but for the feelings that she inspired inside me for the time we were together.
Leaving for Boise today. I don't know why, but part of me feels like this is going to be a cathartic experience. The long drive. Music. Playing it by ear. Who knows. Funny, but I've never even been that far out on 84. It will be difficult to say goodbye to a woman who was so inspirational, so warm, so caring. Although it's hard to believe that she is gone, her memory will live on and her life will be an example to others.
Today's affirmation:
Every thought and every act is governed and guided by a superior intelligence. There is something in me that knows what to do. It impels me to act upon what It knows. This very acceptance flows forth into action through me. Always there is an inner, quiet, persistent confidence, a non-resistant but complete acceptance, an inward flowing with the stream of life knowing that it carries me safely and surely to my destination and to the accomplishment of good purpose. This is divine guidance and I surrender to it.
Forever? Really?
So I have done pretty well this week (since therapy) at fighting off the depression. I think having some new projects is helping fill my time and to keep the mind from wandering to dark places. Today has been a bit more difficult.
I am finding that I am becoming angry about certain things regarding the last few months. Most of which, at least to me, feel somewhat justified. My friends have repeatedly tried to get me to see the dark side of A. The fact that she left me at a time when a partner might have stuck by to see you through. This isn't to say that she is a terrible person or anything of that nature, it just speaks more to the actual level of her commitment or ability as a partner. Or even, just her love for me and the true depth of said love.
Mostly, I guess I feel angry for allowing myself to believe - I mean really believe - that this one was forever. I suppose that in some ways, that feeling of forever was scary to me. It was reassuring in other ways. What does forever mean? Is forever until it starts to get hard? Is forever until the pheromones wear off? Is forever until you decide to change your hair color? Who the hell really knows.
It amazed me how quickly she managed to recover from the relationship. Already engaged in a new one. Starting a mere six and half months after our break-up. I wonder if it's an illustration of the reality of our commitment or just that she needs to be in a relationship.
Reading through this post, I realize that I am actually spending too much time worrying about her motives through the whole thing rather than trying to deal with my stuff. It's hard. I get that I drove her away through a variety of actions, that things got tough. For some reason, my mind is telling me that I need answers, but also that I need her forgiveness. I doubt this will ever happen, but there is this constant burn inside that is yearning to prove that she was wrong about me. That my actions were not based on my personality or innate behavior but due to the meds and other stress around me last spring.
Today's affirmation:
I accept the presence of love. I affirm peace and deny confusion. I affirm joy and declare that sadness has no place in my consciousness. I affirm that the Universe is over all, in all and through all. there is nothing in my past that can limit me or limit my future.
I am finding that I am becoming angry about certain things regarding the last few months. Most of which, at least to me, feel somewhat justified. My friends have repeatedly tried to get me to see the dark side of A. The fact that she left me at a time when a partner might have stuck by to see you through. This isn't to say that she is a terrible person or anything of that nature, it just speaks more to the actual level of her commitment or ability as a partner. Or even, just her love for me and the true depth of said love.
Mostly, I guess I feel angry for allowing myself to believe - I mean really believe - that this one was forever. I suppose that in some ways, that feeling of forever was scary to me. It was reassuring in other ways. What does forever mean? Is forever until it starts to get hard? Is forever until the pheromones wear off? Is forever until you decide to change your hair color? Who the hell really knows.
It amazed me how quickly she managed to recover from the relationship. Already engaged in a new one. Starting a mere six and half months after our break-up. I wonder if it's an illustration of the reality of our commitment or just that she needs to be in a relationship.
Reading through this post, I realize that I am actually spending too much time worrying about her motives through the whole thing rather than trying to deal with my stuff. It's hard. I get that I drove her away through a variety of actions, that things got tough. For some reason, my mind is telling me that I need answers, but also that I need her forgiveness. I doubt this will ever happen, but there is this constant burn inside that is yearning to prove that she was wrong about me. That my actions were not based on my personality or innate behavior but due to the meds and other stress around me last spring.
Today's affirmation:
I accept the presence of love. I affirm peace and deny confusion. I affirm joy and declare that sadness has no place in my consciousness. I affirm that the Universe is over all, in all and through all. there is nothing in my past that can limit me or limit my future.
Sunspots
Today I had therapy. It was good. I love my therapist, she is really great. Has a wonderful way of pushing and pulling things out of my emotional self. Is very good at helping me get past the outer anger and reaching into the soft, mushy part that gets hurt.
This morning I received an email from a friend. I know that the intention was pretty much opposite of it's effect. He took a tone of "we" regarding his thoughts. Sort of speaking for my friends and how "concerned" they are about my attitude. I appreciate his efforts very much, but the tone of the email pretty much helped me to pull out the shovel and dig down a little bit more. Of course I was pissed as he is probably the last person I need to hear from regarding any sort of attitude issue. It's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black.
I guess the net/net is that now, I have pretty much pushed away the small, but close group of friends that I have. The friends that have known me mostly as an adult for the last seven or eight years. As I type this, I almost have no emotional feeling about it. In fact, I almost feel business-like about my suicidal ideation.
Not sure what to do. I've called a local mental health program to see if it might be possible to try yet another type of anti-depressant, but am afraid that it will be another miserable failure. Ending up in the same place as I was last Spring. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't sound so bad.
I'm going for a walk now with my best friend, SHP.
This morning I received an email from a friend. I know that the intention was pretty much opposite of it's effect. He took a tone of "we" regarding his thoughts. Sort of speaking for my friends and how "concerned" they are about my attitude. I appreciate his efforts very much, but the tone of the email pretty much helped me to pull out the shovel and dig down a little bit more. Of course I was pissed as he is probably the last person I need to hear from regarding any sort of attitude issue. It's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black.
I guess the net/net is that now, I have pretty much pushed away the small, but close group of friends that I have. The friends that have known me mostly as an adult for the last seven or eight years. As I type this, I almost have no emotional feeling about it. In fact, I almost feel business-like about my suicidal ideation.
Not sure what to do. I've called a local mental health program to see if it might be possible to try yet another type of anti-depressant, but am afraid that it will be another miserable failure. Ending up in the same place as I was last Spring. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't sound so bad.
I'm going for a walk now with my best friend, SHP.
Help Me To Find My Way
So, after looking at my blog, I am finding that I have gotten back to the external issues rather than the internal issues regarding spirituality. I think mostly it's due to the depression/anxiety and looking backward not forward. I've forgotten (again) all of the things that are going to help me through this and to end my life as a lost soul. I really want to find myself and my life.
I picked up the Eckhart and Louise Hay again today for a bit of perusal. I also went for a short walk with a neighbor and ended up having a conversation lasting over 2 hours. It was so interesting as I was able to open her eyes to some nifty stuff that I have found useful...The Four Agreements, You Can Heal Your Life, Notes From The Universe, etc. She is in much the same spot as me. No job, messed up personal life, sad, lonely, etc.
How is it that I am able to inspire someone else, but not myself? I'm able to speak to the value of the items above, but can't seem to blend it into my own life? I just don't get it.
On another note, apparently another fine ex, R, spoke with me today about my attitude. Apparently she and other friends have been expressing concern to B. Yesterday, he was trying to express his concern, but raised his voice and generally had the opposite effect. It was somewhat pathetic as I spent the rest of the night feeling like a pile of poo and plotting out my demise. R is looking to see if there are any options for a mental health provider as I don't have insurance to get the help I obviously need. I kind of feel worse than I did previously.
so let's try to start over....I need to re-affirm the Four Agreements. I think I am going to start with the 4th, "Always Do Your Best". I know and understand that my best is going to change from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. Avoid self-judgement, by always doing my best. Remembering that my best may vary depending on a number of factors.
This is a great book: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book
. It opened my eyes to a whole new thought process. It is a great place to start!
And just for good measure, here's a power affirmation for you:
I only give out that which I wish receive in return. My love and acceptance of others is mirrored to me in every moment. Louise Hay. Get her Power Thought Cards at Amazon
I picked up the Eckhart and Louise Hay again today for a bit of perusal. I also went for a short walk with a neighbor and ended up having a conversation lasting over 2 hours. It was so interesting as I was able to open her eyes to some nifty stuff that I have found useful...The Four Agreements, You Can Heal Your Life, Notes From The Universe, etc. She is in much the same spot as me. No job, messed up personal life, sad, lonely, etc.
How is it that I am able to inspire someone else, but not myself? I'm able to speak to the value of the items above, but can't seem to blend it into my own life? I just don't get it.
On another note, apparently another fine ex, R, spoke with me today about my attitude. Apparently she and other friends have been expressing concern to B. Yesterday, he was trying to express his concern, but raised his voice and generally had the opposite effect. It was somewhat pathetic as I spent the rest of the night feeling like a pile of poo and plotting out my demise. R is looking to see if there are any options for a mental health provider as I don't have insurance to get the help I obviously need. I kind of feel worse than I did previously.
so let's try to start over....I need to re-affirm the Four Agreements. I think I am going to start with the 4th, "Always Do Your Best". I know and understand that my best is going to change from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. Avoid self-judgement, by always doing my best. Remembering that my best may vary depending on a number of factors.
This is a great book: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book
. It opened my eyes to a whole new thought process. It is a great place to start!And just for good measure, here's a power affirmation for you:
I only give out that which I wish receive in return. My love and acceptance of others is mirrored to me in every moment. Louise Hay. Get her Power Thought Cards at Amazon
The Big Exit
It's time to make the Big Exit. I'm through. I don't know where I'm going, how I'll get there or when, but I can't take it here anymore. I need to start making plans for a change.
Without insurance, I can't get the care I need for my depression and anxiety. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. I'm drinking too much, it seems to be the only thing that makes me forget about everything.
Thanks for the memories, everyone.
Without insurance, I can't get the care I need for my depression and anxiety. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. I'm drinking too much, it seems to be the only thing that makes me forget about everything.
Thanks for the memories, everyone.
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