A Letter Never Sent

If I had more courage, I'd send the following to her:

Dear Soulmate,

I wish there was a way to explain how all this feels.  Losing you, my dad, and nearly The Big Guy Pup within four weeks.
While my relationship with my dad was pretty bad, there is still a lot of weird feelings around having both of my parents, grandparents and essentially everyone else in my family gone.  I freaked out, but I guess it was just a sign of volatile emotions to come.  Years of pain and anguish unleashed.  Losing you, again, has pretty much been the last emotional straw.
I thought of you, Sweet Pup, Sweet Kitten, your mom and dad, and even Auntie as my family.  So really, in this last year, I've pretty much lost anything that mattered or might have mattered.  Sure, I've got a million friends.  I don't feel the same sense of love and comfort that I got from you.  You, YOU, were the center of my world.  If things were good with you, my world was excellent.  As you might imagine, things haven't been so great.
Being overwhelmed, daily, by emotions that I don't care to feel has taken a toll.  I understand that this was all of my own making.  Holding on too tight, fearing that you would leave as you had before, believing that words spoken were the truth, all of it.  My own making. 

I just wish that you had been honest.  Sharing your bed with me while also sharing a bed with Mr. X, Mr. Y and Mr. Z...well, it just wasn't nice.  Every night I spent in your bed I thought was a step closer to what I had hoped and prayed for for months.  Every morning, every night..I begged and pleaded with Universe to bring us back together.  To allow us to grow, together and as individuals.
At this point, I hope your happy in your new role as mother, wife and business partner.  I hope that you can stick it out and be more honest with Mr. X than you have been with me.  It's probably easier with a man, anyway.  No social stigma, no familial stigma.  Your mom has grandkids...I"m sure it's all a big relief.
You.  I just can't get you out of my heart or mind.  So much potential.  So much love.  Wasted.  It could have been so amazing, but in the end...neither you nor I are capable.
In the end, I've given up.  My prayers every night include a section in which I ask the Universe to spare someone who's needed and loved and to take me instead.  So far..no luck.  Maybe I really should take matters into my own hands.  Things just aren't the way I hoped they would be.

Much love.  Forever. 
Lost Soul

Long Time, No See

Well, yeah it's been a while.  I wish I could say that things were awesome and that's why...but well, reality is the same as it's ever been.  Long, dark days.  An overwhelming sadness that won't leave.  I still only want one thing, my family...back in my arms.

Each day that passes makes that more and more unlikely.  I've heard from her aunt and I guess she's nicely wrapped up with a guy, that she works with and his kids.  I never would have guessed her to be the mothering type, but that just goes to show how well you know someone.

I still wrestle with the idea of making a quick and painless exit from this life.  I'm scared I'll fuck it up.  Therapy isn't much help.  Friends are only temporary help.

Earlier this week I realized that just going to my hovel each day is a trigger for the depression and sadness.  It's a small, dark, bottom floor apartment that only has one window and looks out on the other apartments in my complex.  It's not great. 

I've been feeling that a change would be good, but I don't know what that looks like.  Feeling like moving to another town would be good.  I've got no real family left now that my dad is gone.  It's just me and my step-family...and this entails a very odd situation.  We've been family for more than 30 years, but still, it's not like blood family.  It's more like being a single soul in a room full of people.

This summer I found a new pet.  A sweet little dog named Jenny.  She's about the sweetest thing ever.  She fits well with the gentleman dog and bitchy cat.  We do make a pretty cute family.  I guess that's one reason to stay around...who would take care of them????

I'm still open to feedback or ideas or slugging it out together.  Feel free to drop me a line at lostsoul@lostsoulsearching.com.

Dark days. Never ending.

The darkness won't leave.  It never does.  There may be a dim glow of light, but it's usually extinguished rather quickly.

Every night I beg the higher power to let me go.  To take me out instead of a child, parent or other being that is loved and has a life.  Suicide isn't an alternative.  I realize that's passive, but with my track record-I'd fuck that up, too.

The thoughts of my past life are simply too much to bear most days.   It's all I want.  I try and try to get past it.  If there is empty space in my life or schedule, it's where the gerbils take me.  It's a desperate feeling, like drowning.

More Disappointment

There are these moments, where it feels like things might be taking a turn.  A turn for the better.  But really, it seems to end up more like a u-turn back to shit.  My love once told me that everything I touch turns to shit.  It feels like she was right.

I can't get traction.  In anything.  In work, in life, in sobriety, nothing.   Yesterday, I couldn't even successfully get my laundry done.

Then the call this morning.  The call from the place.  Where I thought I had a great chance.  I didn't get the job.  They went with someone who volunteers with them and has volunteered for a while.  I guess this is more motivation to get outside myself and do good work just for the joy of doing it.

I leave this here and go try to move the latest pile of shit.

Moving

Well, my lease is up on the apartment.  The roomie and I have to decided to part ways..he's in love and moving in with his man.  I'm moving to a small cave on the East side. 

I'm hoping that this will be a fresh start, a clean slate.  I need something to change...this is kind of a big one.  The roomie is like the little brother that I never had.  We often joke that we are 34...the average of our ages.  He's a bit more mature than his real age and I'm a bit more immature than my age.  He's been so loving and supportive through these last two year.  Always positive, always kind and always thoughtful.  He's an amazing guy..his boyfriend is very lucky to have landed him.

My new life will most likely be quiet.  Lots more meetings and hopefully moving toward the middle of AA.  There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to give up the old life.  But, I have to.  There's no other choice.  I'm pining for things that  I can't have.  Apparently it's time to leave them in the past where they belong.  I'm crying as I type these words.  She was my soul mate.  We should have had a life together.  I've made choices that inevitably made this impossible.

I wish I could the upside or the glass as half full, but it's real hard.

2 Years

I made it.  It was touch and go for a bit.  My sponsor says that I'm a spiritual warrior.  Not sure what that means, but I like the sound of it.

Each year I'm reminded of what brought me to this place.  It's been a particularly rough last few months and I've been much more emotional than usual..and that's saying a lot for me.  I've found in sobriety that I tend to cry a lot.  This whole week has been full of tears.

I desperately want to be close to the woman I love, who also won't speak to me.  For whatever reason, I want her to be proud of me.  Proud of my strength for getting through this.  I want to feel her love, her hugs, her head rubs...I'd give anything to feel those long arms wrap around me and feel her chin and lips on my head. 

I'm lucky.  I've got so many people in my corner, it's amazing....but, yet, all of that love pales in comparison to hers. 

My biggest fears are loss and abandonment.  Both of those things are very real at this point.  I've given her no real choice.  As she said, I hold on too tightly to what is willingly there, with me.  It's because I'm scared...scared that no one will love me in this way again, that I'll be alone and that I'm a piece of shit that can't maintain anything.  It all feels so real right now.

These moments are when my mind goes to the darkest places.  I hate myself.  I want to hurt myself.  I want to sleep and never wake up (I'm too much of a pussy to try to off myself, I'd probably fuck that up, too).  The pain is real, it's physical and it won't stop.  My body aches from the heaving sobs.  I've cried so much that I sound like I've got a cold and I'm dehydrated.  I really, really feel like giving up.  I'll fantasize about it.  I'll dream about it...but in the end, I'll wake up to another day of this.  Hoping to find a distraction that will take me away.  Hoping that someone will reach out, I'm afraid to reach out for fear that I'll be rejected.  Again. 

It's a vicious cycle.  It's a never ending cycle.  It just goes around and around and around and I haven't found a way to stop it.  I ask my higher power every day to take away the fear, anxiety and dread.  To help me see the glass as half-full rather than half empty.  But, so far, nothing.

The Only Way....

To end the punishment, is to end it myself.  No one can do that for me.