Every night I beg the higher power to let me go. To take me out instead of a child, parent or other being that is loved and has a life. Suicide isn't an alternative. I realize that's passive, but with my track record-I'd fuck that up, too.
The thoughts of my past life are simply too much to bear most days. It's all I want. I try and try to get past it. If there is empty space in my life or schedule, it's where the gerbils take me. It's a desperate feeling, like drowning.