The Bounce

Last night I did some deep thinking and a bit of meditation. I realized that I am sitting and doing things that are not very healthy for me at this time. Yes, doing the reading and practicing certain things is good for me, but sitting on my large ass the majority of the time is not. I realized that my life had/has come to a point where I haven't done anything. Sitting around moping, ruminating on everything isn't helping.

I've started on the spirituality work. Haven't done anything with the body or mind, for that matter. I also realized that as I have grown older, I have lost my curiosity about the world and become jaded. No sense of adventure, no ability to just take off and do something like a day trip or weekend trip. It all became about the money or lack there of. I sort of felt this way when I went to Bend to see Lucinda. It was invigorating, the drive the loud music, the beauty that is our state...only at that point I was longing for A to be with me rather than savoring the moment at hand.

Today, is the first day of the rest of my life. I shall continue my work with the therapist, but really work to be open to new things and people. Ultimately, getting wrapped up in the drama of work, being strapped to my computer has made me a very fat, lazy and boring person. Ultimately, I think that's what lead me to my downward spiral and depression. Not doing anything really proactive to offset those feelings but instead delving into a virtual world of dumb games and laziness.

So, I worked out in the gym. Ate a good lunch and am going to play poker at my weekly game tonight. Next week, I am going to do gay things to try to meet new people. Not find a date, but at least get some new blood into my life.

I want to start fishing again, to go see all the things around Oregon that make me love it. Fuck, if I miss the beach - why don't I just drive there? I have let everything in my life get too fucking complicated. When really, the simplest things can sometimes be the most amazing.

I owe a debt of thanks to A. I think that if she hadn't made her wonderful announcement on Wednesday, it wouldn't have pushed me to start thinking about me and why she thinks I suck. Now that she has her dapper bon vivant, she definitely doesn't need me! I hope that they enjoy themselves. Hell, I met her and she fell in love with me, there's no reason that I can't get my shit together, make a connection with someone who might love me even more & not give up.

*****For anyone who may have read this post prior to editing. I apologize. That last sentence was totally uncalled for, rude and all-around cruel. I let my hurt get the best of me. Honestly, I doubt that either of the edited comments are possible.

Family

As I sit here and listen to music, trying to chill out before hanging out with my "family" I'm driven to think about the family that I've lost.

Last year what was my future brother-in-law came to visit and we met face-to-face for the first time. It was so great to meet him, but I fucked it all up by being asshole. This was the beginning of the end of what I thought was going to be my forever family. A family of my own.

Maybe that's what scared me and drove me to my actions, along with the drugs. It's something that I've wanted for so long. Not in the "I need to be in a relationship" way, but more in the way of feeling loved, needed and wanted. In the way of having my own kingdom that I was creating with my girl. Our dogs, the cat and us. Our own world. I guess I wasn't really ready for that world. Something inside me had to push and push and push until all shattered. Into a million little pieces that are never to be put together again, ever.

The "real" family is not something that I feel a part of in any way, shape or form. I only see the "siblings" twice a year or so. Forced to exchange gifts at Christmas. It's all about obligation, not love or the joy of seeing one another. Growing up wasn't easy with my step family. I was an only child prior to my father's remarriage. He met his wife via me as her daughter was one of my best friends. He also married her about 13 months after my mother died.

All of this served to make me feel quite alone. There is a real shift once a friend becomes a "sister". You'd think that it would be awesome, but it's not really. I guess that between the combination of Dad getting married and my inability to cope with life without my real mother led to what was only the beginning of some issues around relationships and family in general.

This is where the yearning comes from. To want to feel like I belong to a family. To be a part of a family. I thought that was where I was at with A. Especially as when she proposed, she brought our whole family along.

Now, she is seeing someone else. She was kind enough to let me know via email last night. She met a Southerner like herself, a real hip smarty pants. I really do hope that she is happy and continues to be happy. My biggest regret is not being the person that I led her to believe I was.

All of this stuff, at this time of the year only serves to push me further down in my deep dark hole. My inside hurts so bad, that I am having those urges to do something that hurts my physical being. It's fucking stupid, but sometimes the physical pain is easier to take than the emotional pain.

Thanksgiving

I have much to be thankful for. I have a nice apartment, good friends who love me, I've reconnected with an aunt who I haven't been close to for years. I've haven't offed myself. I have the best dog in whole world. And the best cat. I have cable TV, a computer and a car. I have a blackberry. I have a fireplace. I have food.

I guess I should also be thankful that A emailed/called me last night to tell me she started dating someone. That would be bad to run into them somewhere.

I am also thankful that an old friend whom I love dearly emailed me this morning after we lost touch again for several months. His partner/girlfriend is having pregnant and due any day now, Saturday to be exact. I am looking forward to meeting him (they know it's a boy).

I have a million things to be thankful for. I don't know why it's so fucking hard to see those things while still in a dark hole.